Goodbyes hurt the most
I was discharged on Friday- and since the floor was filling up- I was not allowed to stay an extra night as a guest and would be going home without my little boy. After the nurse told me that I couldn't stay the extra night it was like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. Leaving my little boy that night was one of the hardest things I had to do- just thinking about it still brings tears to my eyes. Daddy drove home reassuring me the whole way that everything would be ok and that our little boy would soon be home.
We visited every day- and some days dad would leave early and I would have someone take me home so that I could get extra time in. We fell into quite a routine. At the hospital by noon- feeding at noon, cuddles from daddy, pumping, change, feeding at three- cuddles from daddy while mom pumped- down to the cafeteria for lunch, it was quite a schedule. With Monday being a holiday- daddy was off, and Tuesday was alreday covered by someone- so until Wednesday we would both be with baby for the days he was in NICU.
Each night it still hurt to leave him in his little crib- and while he kept making improvements, we still couldn't get a concrete answer to when he would be released. He was still having problems nursing- one nurse had mentioned that he may be "tongue tied" which I had never heard of. It is when the flap under your tongue is longer than it should be- so basically his tongue just flaps up and down rather than curving upward to create suction and swallow. It is a simple fix at his pediatricians office- but until it gets fixed, he just gets frustrated with nursing because he can suck for twenty minutes and get only a few drops.
By Tuesday we were hopeful that he would be home by the weekend. He had his IV, Feeding tube and insulated crib removed. He just had to prove that he could gain weight and keep his temperature constant without help. After seeing the doctor- we were given the tentative blessing if discharge for Wednesday. Dad was going back to work that day, so I had already planned on my dads girlfriend taking me to the hospital for the day. Daddy left early on Tuesday so he could get ready for work and my mom brought me home after his 9pm feeding. Tuesday was also his "pencil sharpening" day- another step in the right direction. He took it like a champ and I think daddy hurt more sympathetically than he did!
Before his 9pm feeding- his nurse gave him round two of Tylenol- and shortly after getting it- his heart had a decel. Enough of one that a nurse came in to check on him and then he did it again. They expect a few drops when they are eating- mainly due to getting used to the whole sucking/ swallowing/ breathing combo- but outside of feeding, and decel over 5 seconds requires baby to be monitored for another 3 days to be sure that there isn't something getting missed. Tylenol isn't a feeding perse- and the nurse noted that the decel happened after she had given Tylenol and she suspected he just had a cheekful and swallowed it unexpectedly - but I could feel my heart drop. It was like the beginning of another bad dream- I felt like I was back in my room handing him over for a simple bath only to be told that he was going to NICU.
Since daddy was home already, I called him and let him know, he shared my worries and felt bad that for a second time I got bad news after he had left. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have been as concerned, but with the second little decel I could see the color change in Cadens face- it went from pink and bright to mottled and blue around his little lips. If the nurse hadn't been in the room with me I would have been screaming for help. So I made the trip home with a heavy heart that I would be in for another round of long days with a million questions. Every night that I went home without him all i could do is sit and count the hours until I would be back with him- in a short week he had completely won me over- and I truly could not imagine life without him.
We visited every day- and some days dad would leave early and I would have someone take me home so that I could get extra time in. We fell into quite a routine. At the hospital by noon- feeding at noon, cuddles from daddy, pumping, change, feeding at three- cuddles from daddy while mom pumped- down to the cafeteria for lunch, it was quite a schedule. With Monday being a holiday- daddy was off, and Tuesday was alreday covered by someone- so until Wednesday we would both be with baby for the days he was in NICU.
Each night it still hurt to leave him in his little crib- and while he kept making improvements, we still couldn't get a concrete answer to when he would be released. He was still having problems nursing- one nurse had mentioned that he may be "tongue tied" which I had never heard of. It is when the flap under your tongue is longer than it should be- so basically his tongue just flaps up and down rather than curving upward to create suction and swallow. It is a simple fix at his pediatricians office- but until it gets fixed, he just gets frustrated with nursing because he can suck for twenty minutes and get only a few drops.
By Tuesday we were hopeful that he would be home by the weekend. He had his IV, Feeding tube and insulated crib removed. He just had to prove that he could gain weight and keep his temperature constant without help. After seeing the doctor- we were given the tentative blessing if discharge for Wednesday. Dad was going back to work that day, so I had already planned on my dads girlfriend taking me to the hospital for the day. Daddy left early on Tuesday so he could get ready for work and my mom brought me home after his 9pm feeding. Tuesday was also his "pencil sharpening" day- another step in the right direction. He took it like a champ and I think daddy hurt more sympathetically than he did!
Before his 9pm feeding- his nurse gave him round two of Tylenol- and shortly after getting it- his heart had a decel. Enough of one that a nurse came in to check on him and then he did it again. They expect a few drops when they are eating- mainly due to getting used to the whole sucking/ swallowing/ breathing combo- but outside of feeding, and decel over 5 seconds requires baby to be monitored for another 3 days to be sure that there isn't something getting missed. Tylenol isn't a feeding perse- and the nurse noted that the decel happened after she had given Tylenol and she suspected he just had a cheekful and swallowed it unexpectedly - but I could feel my heart drop. It was like the beginning of another bad dream- I felt like I was back in my room handing him over for a simple bath only to be told that he was going to NICU.
Since daddy was home already, I called him and let him know, he shared my worries and felt bad that for a second time I got bad news after he had left. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have been as concerned, but with the second little decel I could see the color change in Cadens face- it went from pink and bright to mottled and blue around his little lips. If the nurse hadn't been in the room with me I would have been screaming for help. So I made the trip home with a heavy heart that I would be in for another round of long days with a million questions. Every night that I went home without him all i could do is sit and count the hours until I would be back with him- in a short week he had completely won me over- and I truly could not imagine life without him.
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