Life goes on
Everyone has a past
Everyone has baggage
Everyone has internal struggles
If I go back into this very blog far enough, I can see the posts I made from when I was married! (I'm not anymore, spoiler alert!) Looking back on them, it is like listening to a song- I can remember where I was, what the smells were and what I was truly feeling. Irony there being that I rarely ever wrote how I felt; and if I let it slip I sugar coated it with excuses and a pair of rose colored shades so the reality that I lived would never truly be seen. Even in an environment that I created to share myself and my feelings- I still hid everything away.
This blog started as a way to document my little Squishy coming into the world. Writing through it was how I felt like someone was there for me, just getting out the struggles, feelings and experiences made me feel not so alone. I had a not so great marriage, I had a lonely pregnancy and I struggled through it all with the help of writing.
Here I left out that my husband is who put me in tears. That I went to triage despite him yelling at me that I was overreacting and that I then had the actual doctor at the hospital talk to him on the phone while I sat in triage and they told him that I was getting admitted and that something was in fact very wrong. The day we found out he was a boy , dad had no emotion except to be upset that his brother wasn't in town for the ultrasound (this was one of only three ultrasounds that dad actually came for).
I initially kept all these notes to share with my husband, I printed them all out and had them bound at one point (work had a fancy binding machine), and he never read them. He was upset that I would put my thoughts out into the world. Through my pregnancy I shared every post with my brother in law who was station in Afghanistan, I knew that it was very hard for him to be gone when he was getting a nephew and simultaneously dealing with a divorce at home. He had always wanted children and everyone assumed it would be him to first get married and start a family.
So the posts shifted into more of the style of how the family dynamic worked and the way things really were. After all the struggles with Cadens arrival- which to this day is one of my most traumatic days ever- I used this place to dump all the "stuff." All the appointments, developments, concerns, pictures.... it was like I had myself to tell the story of Caden and I to- because that is who I had.
Post Pardum Depression was a very real thing for me, and I had many other factors that amplified it, so this became an outlet. As my little man grew, I looked back and saw more of that shading that I was putting on my life. It would have been the equivalent of thinking you looked AMAZING in an outfit, and then seeing pictures later and realizing that not only were you not even looking at the camera, but you forgot to take the tags off, had mismatched shoes, a boob hanging out and some spinach in your teeth- no filter was helping that. Aside from PPD, which I did get help for, in spite of my husband making fun of me for needing it and feeling absolutely overwhelmed with our child who was very much special needs at that point, I was struggling with a relationship that wasn't even a good friendship.
I was truly alone. I was stripped down to nothing and made to feel like that is exactly what I deserved. My health suffered and it took me getting to an incredibly unhealthy state for reality to hit.
Pre-During-Post divorce, all the ups and downs and mistakes I made through that process- I used this space to document them. Some I look back on and just shake my head- I was so naive and sure of myself. That first taste of freedom, the first time you feel like someone "gets" you because they treat you the way that you should have been treated all along, I can understand how people end up in the same situations over and over.
I was lucky enough to meet someone that was nice and helped me repair myself, probably at one of the most difficult points after my divorce. I will always be thankful and grateful for him and his patience. We each grew so much over our time together and even though we didn't work out, it was nice to know that there was hope for something better than what I had known for so many years. There was a fair share of bad eggs in between there, relationships that never should have been and judgement calls that could have been made better- but everything is about the journey and where it gets you.
I say all this because I know many people, probably even still myself some days, that needs to know this: Everyone has a past, and that past is what molded them into who they are today.
I am a divorced mother of one who is dating someone who also went through a divorce. Some days- this sucks. Period.
I want to scream at the person who hurt him, I have a little twinge at every picture, the house is still filled with items from when they were an "Us." Friends knew her, some still keep in touch with her- I will always be the one that came next. Memories, holidays, accomplishments- all of these things will forever have her in them. Some memories are happy ones and others may not be.
These moments, all of these- I have the same thing. He will never be my first- he will always be the one after the ex. I have a kid, a history filled with milestones that, while largely void of his father, still have him as an important background. No length of time will ever put him at the hospital the day Caden came out of surgery for his g-tube and I sobbed in solitude at my first true feelings of not being able to help my baby. All the best story telling won't put me at any of the disc golf tournaments where he did so well "back in his prime." Even if we ever did go down the path of marriage or kids together- it would never be what it was the first time. Those experiences and memories can only ever be that- memories.
Should we move in together, the walls at my house are filled with years that came before him- family events and pictures. Even the holidays I have always celebrated have been just the way that I have done it for so many years that it is second nature to me (jelly beans get planted at Easter, Muppet Christmas Carol is watched Christmas eve). His pantry never held a box of Kraft Mac N Cheese and his sleep schedule is nearly opposite mine. Halloween, whilst my favorite holiday, is a time of scary things and party planning for him- I have a small child who will end up in my bed if he sees most of that!
As hard as it is to see or remember that I won't ever be the only one- what I know is that I am the one that matters. We have chosen each other. We chose to put our lives together and make the good parts work and have learned from the not so good parts. Neither of us will ever have what we did in our previous marriages- and that is ok- because the people we were then and the relationships we had then aren't things that we wanted. I will never love him the way I loved my ex-husband- because he isn't my ex husband. In the same breath, he will never look at me or feel about me the same way he did his ex-wife, and I wouldn't want that. I want him to be with me for me- not because I am a close second to what he had before.
This has been the hardest concept to grasp post-divorce. There is no "replacing" or fixing what you had in your past. It is what made you. I am good with my past, parts of it hurt- because hurt hurts. I am good with his past, because it brought him to a restaurant on a whim many months ago and here we stand.
Here I left out that my husband is who put me in tears. That I went to triage despite him yelling at me that I was overreacting and that I then had the actual doctor at the hospital talk to him on the phone while I sat in triage and they told him that I was getting admitted and that something was in fact very wrong. The day we found out he was a boy , dad had no emotion except to be upset that his brother wasn't in town for the ultrasound (this was one of only three ultrasounds that dad actually came for).
I initially kept all these notes to share with my husband, I printed them all out and had them bound at one point (work had a fancy binding machine), and he never read them. He was upset that I would put my thoughts out into the world. Through my pregnancy I shared every post with my brother in law who was station in Afghanistan, I knew that it was very hard for him to be gone when he was getting a nephew and simultaneously dealing with a divorce at home. He had always wanted children and everyone assumed it would be him to first get married and start a family.
So the posts shifted into more of the style of how the family dynamic worked and the way things really were. After all the struggles with Cadens arrival- which to this day is one of my most traumatic days ever- I used this place to dump all the "stuff." All the appointments, developments, concerns, pictures.... it was like I had myself to tell the story of Caden and I to- because that is who I had.
Post Pardum Depression was a very real thing for me, and I had many other factors that amplified it, so this became an outlet. As my little man grew, I looked back and saw more of that shading that I was putting on my life. It would have been the equivalent of thinking you looked AMAZING in an outfit, and then seeing pictures later and realizing that not only were you not even looking at the camera, but you forgot to take the tags off, had mismatched shoes, a boob hanging out and some spinach in your teeth- no filter was helping that. Aside from PPD, which I did get help for, in spite of my husband making fun of me for needing it and feeling absolutely overwhelmed with our child who was very much special needs at that point, I was struggling with a relationship that wasn't even a good friendship.
I was truly alone. I was stripped down to nothing and made to feel like that is exactly what I deserved. My health suffered and it took me getting to an incredibly unhealthy state for reality to hit.
Pre-During-Post divorce, all the ups and downs and mistakes I made through that process- I used this space to document them. Some I look back on and just shake my head- I was so naive and sure of myself. That first taste of freedom, the first time you feel like someone "gets" you because they treat you the way that you should have been treated all along, I can understand how people end up in the same situations over and over.
I was lucky enough to meet someone that was nice and helped me repair myself, probably at one of the most difficult points after my divorce. I will always be thankful and grateful for him and his patience. We each grew so much over our time together and even though we didn't work out, it was nice to know that there was hope for something better than what I had known for so many years. There was a fair share of bad eggs in between there, relationships that never should have been and judgement calls that could have been made better- but everything is about the journey and where it gets you.
I say all this because I know many people, probably even still myself some days, that needs to know this: Everyone has a past, and that past is what molded them into who they are today.
I am a divorced mother of one who is dating someone who also went through a divorce. Some days- this sucks. Period.
I want to scream at the person who hurt him, I have a little twinge at every picture, the house is still filled with items from when they were an "Us." Friends knew her, some still keep in touch with her- I will always be the one that came next. Memories, holidays, accomplishments- all of these things will forever have her in them. Some memories are happy ones and others may not be.
These moments, all of these- I have the same thing. He will never be my first- he will always be the one after the ex. I have a kid, a history filled with milestones that, while largely void of his father, still have him as an important background. No length of time will ever put him at the hospital the day Caden came out of surgery for his g-tube and I sobbed in solitude at my first true feelings of not being able to help my baby. All the best story telling won't put me at any of the disc golf tournaments where he did so well "back in his prime." Even if we ever did go down the path of marriage or kids together- it would never be what it was the first time. Those experiences and memories can only ever be that- memories.
Should we move in together, the walls at my house are filled with years that came before him- family events and pictures. Even the holidays I have always celebrated have been just the way that I have done it for so many years that it is second nature to me (jelly beans get planted at Easter, Muppet Christmas Carol is watched Christmas eve). His pantry never held a box of Kraft Mac N Cheese and his sleep schedule is nearly opposite mine. Halloween, whilst my favorite holiday, is a time of scary things and party planning for him- I have a small child who will end up in my bed if he sees most of that!
As hard as it is to see or remember that I won't ever be the only one- what I know is that I am the one that matters. We have chosen each other. We chose to put our lives together and make the good parts work and have learned from the not so good parts. Neither of us will ever have what we did in our previous marriages- and that is ok- because the people we were then and the relationships we had then aren't things that we wanted. I will never love him the way I loved my ex-husband- because he isn't my ex husband. In the same breath, he will never look at me or feel about me the same way he did his ex-wife, and I wouldn't want that. I want him to be with me for me- not because I am a close second to what he had before.
This has been the hardest concept to grasp post-divorce. There is no "replacing" or fixing what you had in your past. It is what made you. I am good with my past, parts of it hurt- because hurt hurts. I am good with his past, because it brought him to a restaurant on a whim many months ago and here we stand.
All you can do is build good days on good days- because life goes on whether you want it to or not.
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