This little note...
This blog has been a window into my life, yet this is probably one of the most personal things I have shared. I want it to be here for him to see one day, or for anyone who needs to see that there is hope and the things that drive you to make those difficult decisions, they are worth it. )
This one, sitting here in my car
this morning
Or this one, that
appeared on the mirror…
The
little hands that made the notes- it’s no secret or surprise that they are what
make my world go ‘round. There is more to them than that though.
Five
years ago, as I mustered up the courage to take a stand for myself, the hands
that made these notes were my driving force. I looked down into my two-year old’s
eyes and I knew I wanted better for him. I wanted better for all of the friends
he would have and for any of the women he would ever learn to love.
I didn’t
want him to think it was ok to speak to me in the tone I had become accustomed
to. I didn’t want him to miss out on the important life events because chasing that
dollar “had” to come first. Mostly though, I didn’t ever want him to be the
giver or the receiver of the pain that I felt. I knew even then that he was one
of the most hope-filled, kindest and strongest (both in will and stubbornness)
children I had ever known. I wanted my son to know better than that. He
deserved that much, even if it took me nearly 30 years to figure out that I probably
did as well.
I fought
and have taught him so much- some from my own childhood and other parts from my
relationships. He still wants me to tuck him in “just like a caterpillar” each
night, he (mostly) doesn’t fight when my hand is outstretched for his, we can
have endless conversations over which of us loves the other more and his
passion for holidays and special events is something that simply cannot be described.
These
little gestures though, that isn’t something I taught him. He knows that I love
him. He knows that we have our own language between the two of us, every mother
and son do. This part of him has been taught. He sees how happy mommy is, how
calm home can be- even on the days that he has just about snapped my last
nerve. He has seen that while he and I have our own relationship, I have
another one with the person I care an awful lot for. For this, I am thankful.
I am
thankful that he has a positive role model- one who doesn’t push or force
anything. Someone who has seamlessly fit into our lives and welcomed us into
his own, and is letting the growth process happen as it should. Someone who
doesn’t have the ups and downs of emotions depending on work or weather or
events beyond our control. I am thankful for you honey.
I built
something with you first, and was very nervous about the fact that my
foundation would never be without him- and I think we each shared in those
nerves, hell, we still do. What we have managed to start to build together, it’s
more than I could have ever expected. Thank you for your patience, thank you
for your time, thank you for everything that you are to me- and now everything
that you are to him. It will always be a relationship in progress, that is what
every decent relationship is- but today, today I had happy tears seeing that
what I was afraid of all those years ago has turned into something amazing.
That little note, that was you.
Good
days on good days yo
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