I'll take the Reality with a side of Perspective---- But what is the cost?
At the end of last year and the beginning of this year, I started to take a good look at my life and where I am, where I want to be and how I got to this point.
New Years and the endless commercials about losing weight and bettering yourself coupled with the non-stop facebook memes of quotes about inspirational sayings and aspirations can make anyone feel like what they are doing is less than what they are capable of. But what I was/ am going through goes a bit deeper than all of the superficial swirlings of the January Jenny Craig Craze.
To begin- I have very young parents, who had me in high school and never married, and only now cam be in the same room without wanting to bring a court order upon one another- now that I am nearing 30. One has been to jail- more than once, both have been divorced and both are immature with multiple children. I am the only child from them both. My childhood was filled with missed visitation days, 20 questions about what happened at moms house over the weekend and school nights spent with my grandmother who ended up ultimately raising me. My mother and I have a broken relationship at its best description, my siblings and I are decent towards each other and in contact on an emergency basis at best.
While all these facts are the mere skeleton of the things that shaped me, and are in no way and excuse- they made me who I am, and they have certainly influenced why I do certain things and why I feel the way I do, or why I get emotional about things.
Conceiving my son is something I feared wasn't possible. The year before, I made no less than five trips to the ER for un-diagnosable stomach pain and was sent to a slew of specialists from Gastro-Interologists to Cardiologists for my passing out to my reproductive problems. After what seemed like endless visits my OB (now the third that I had in 5 years) told me "I would suggest seeing a fertility specialist sooner rather than later if you ever plan on having children." The sentence felt like a dagger to my heart. The endless specialist appointments were made and the surprise came that round one worked.
These battles, I fought. I was married, I wore a ring, for better, for worse. I graduated college- with a Bachelor degree and less than one year later with a Masters degree while holding a full time job over an hour from our house- I worked part time with the fire department and managed to still keep my fire and EMS certifications current as well. But in all these emotional struggles, I was alone. When it came to anything involving my family- I was alone. I didn't get praise, I still did the household shopping, planned and made the dinners. Arranged any parties or gatherings at the house and made sure that any holiday or birthday was celebrated. I was the glue.
At barely 36 weeks pregnant, I was admitted into the hospital and induced for what was the worst experience of my life, and a day that I will hold a grudge against my husband for probably the rest of his life. After everything I endured with our son- I felt alone. My father brought us home for the first time, the first surgery it was my mother and an adopted mother from the fire department with me as I sobbed over my baby. I made the appointments, shopped, planned, I was still the glue.
Today- all my bills are due. They will be late because despite that someone has been to the post office several times, we have no stamps. I have been the only person to buy stamps (or toilet paper, laundry soap or floss) for the past five years. I asked last month for him to get stamps and he said "ok"- still no stamps.
Marriage is a job- I get that, I never said it wasn't- but it is a job for BOTH people, you both need to put work in, and not just when it is time for recess.
I saw a blog post about how blogging almost ruined a marriage, I could see some valid points, and then I saw the second post and was somewhat appalled....
I guess I should preface with: I don't consider myself a feminist, at least not in the bra burning, whip my boobs out to breast feed in public way. BUT- I do feel that a woman should be given the same opportunities that men are given. Wages should be the same, respect should be the same and the responsibilities in a marriage should be the same. (On a side note- Gloria Steinem- Fire fighter tests should be the SAME- if you can't lift my ass to save me, then you shouldn't do the job!) I went to an all girls private high school and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I felt empowered and like I could accomplish anything (and even more than) any man could.
I do think that pointing out the positive is a good thing, maybe even a good exercise, but only if HE is also pointing out the positive in you, too. For her to just blog about how great her husband is if he is still being a d-bag seems like it is just breeding bad behavior. If you have a child, a dog, whatever, and they are doing something bad- you don't tell them- "oh but you tie your shoes perfectly!" NO- you tell them "Pick up your crap!" or "Don't call me that!"
You have people messaging you or telling you "Maybe you should talk to your husband :) " - Well, maybe you should talk to him, maybe you have, or maybe you are just writing to vent, or maybe you shouldn't post your blog to the public and not expect everyone and their mother (literally) to have an opinion. Or you could take the HotMessMom route and just screw it all.
How does all of this play into my mass-realization? After struggling through post-pardum and making it through my first year of motherhood, a new job my husbands new job and a lot of struggling I just don't know where I stand with it all. Back in the day everyone stayed married- end of story. Happy or not, it didn't matter. Seems pointless to me, why should people stay together and be unhappy? Why should you struggle and live day to day getting irate at every little thing when it is simply unnecessary?
Before baby, I was over 200lbs. For my 5' 8" body- that is alot of weight, even for pregnancy. With my current stress level and onset of migraines I have dropped over 30lbs in the past 2 months. Some can be attributed to one of the migraine medicines that my doctor is trying, but a bulk is due to the stress and lack of eating and sleeping. None of my clothes fit and I am starting to get comments about looking unhealthy for my frame. The only person that didn't notice, my husband. After I started commenting and stood on the scale in front of him he has now taken note and thinks "recess" should be on all the time. After eight years, it has taken this much of a change and basically starvation to get a feeling of "want" or "desire."
According to Miss Blogger- I should just run with it and be happy he is paying attention! At the end of the day, you can only do so much on your own. You can only live separate lives for so long and you can only take it for so long. For the first time in eight years we are supposed to be going away for a weekend- just the two of us. I took him on a surprise cruise a few years back- Worst. Experience. Ever! He claims that it was amazing- he was obviously not on the same boat I was. He is claiming that we are going camping in the woods, and I am playing into his little surprise. When we arrive at our cabin I will be pleasantly surprised, and if we do in fact arrive at a tent, I will be getting my own cabin- Tent + Woods + February + Me = Not Happening!
I am crossing my fingers that me standing up for myself has brought light to the fact that I am not OK with things continuing down the path that they have been. I am not exactly a poster child for optimism, and I am a child of divorced parents- so I know the odds. For now, I will continue to live for me and my son. I give my husband what he gives me. If that is attitude then so be it- I refuse to continue to be a whipping post. My son deserves to have a mother that is stronger than that, and I refuse to let him be raised in a house that allows him to think that treating any woman (or man or person) in a way that degrades or belittles them or their self worth is appropriate. He will respect people, and not use derogatory language and know that how he feels- whether that be creative, happy, sad, or pissed off it is alright to express and deal with all of those emotions.
All in all, I have evaluated where I am in life, and what it has cost me; both monetary and otherwise. The things that make me happy aren't things that require massive influxes of money. Yes, I need a new car- since grandma Taurus is leaking about a quart of oil a week. But I don't NEED a house right now, I don't NEED a high end vehicle. I do NEED affection, I NEED time with my son, with my family and friends. I NEED to have some nights away from my son- away from the endless routine of catching balls as they fly down the stairs. I NEED to know that I still matter outside of the parameters of "mom" and "employee." I am not willing to sacrifice anymore of myself to get any of these needs fulfilled. There comes a time when it isn't compromise any more it is just giving up. I won't get to that point.
New Years and the endless commercials about losing weight and bettering yourself coupled with the non-stop facebook memes of quotes about inspirational sayings and aspirations can make anyone feel like what they are doing is less than what they are capable of. But what I was/ am going through goes a bit deeper than all of the superficial swirlings of the January Jenny Craig Craze.
To begin- I have very young parents, who had me in high school and never married, and only now cam be in the same room without wanting to bring a court order upon one another- now that I am nearing 30. One has been to jail- more than once, both have been divorced and both are immature with multiple children. I am the only child from them both. My childhood was filled with missed visitation days, 20 questions about what happened at moms house over the weekend and school nights spent with my grandmother who ended up ultimately raising me. My mother and I have a broken relationship at its best description, my siblings and I are decent towards each other and in contact on an emergency basis at best.
While all these facts are the mere skeleton of the things that shaped me, and are in no way and excuse- they made me who I am, and they have certainly influenced why I do certain things and why I feel the way I do, or why I get emotional about things.
Conceiving my son is something I feared wasn't possible. The year before, I made no less than five trips to the ER for un-diagnosable stomach pain and was sent to a slew of specialists from Gastro-Interologists to Cardiologists for my passing out to my reproductive problems. After what seemed like endless visits my OB (now the third that I had in 5 years) told me "I would suggest seeing a fertility specialist sooner rather than later if you ever plan on having children." The sentence felt like a dagger to my heart. The endless specialist appointments were made and the surprise came that round one worked.
These battles, I fought. I was married, I wore a ring, for better, for worse. I graduated college- with a Bachelor degree and less than one year later with a Masters degree while holding a full time job over an hour from our house- I worked part time with the fire department and managed to still keep my fire and EMS certifications current as well. But in all these emotional struggles, I was alone. When it came to anything involving my family- I was alone. I didn't get praise, I still did the household shopping, planned and made the dinners. Arranged any parties or gatherings at the house and made sure that any holiday or birthday was celebrated. I was the glue.
At barely 36 weeks pregnant, I was admitted into the hospital and induced for what was the worst experience of my life, and a day that I will hold a grudge against my husband for probably the rest of his life. After everything I endured with our son- I felt alone. My father brought us home for the first time, the first surgery it was my mother and an adopted mother from the fire department with me as I sobbed over my baby. I made the appointments, shopped, planned, I was still the glue.
Today- all my bills are due. They will be late because despite that someone has been to the post office several times, we have no stamps. I have been the only person to buy stamps (or toilet paper, laundry soap or floss) for the past five years. I asked last month for him to get stamps and he said "ok"- still no stamps.
Marriage is a job- I get that, I never said it wasn't- but it is a job for BOTH people, you both need to put work in, and not just when it is time for recess.
I saw a blog post about how blogging almost ruined a marriage, I could see some valid points, and then I saw the second post and was somewhat appalled....
I guess I should preface with: I don't consider myself a feminist, at least not in the bra burning, whip my boobs out to breast feed in public way. BUT- I do feel that a woman should be given the same opportunities that men are given. Wages should be the same, respect should be the same and the responsibilities in a marriage should be the same. (On a side note- Gloria Steinem- Fire fighter tests should be the SAME- if you can't lift my ass to save me, then you shouldn't do the job!) I went to an all girls private high school and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I felt empowered and like I could accomplish anything (and even more than) any man could.
I do think that pointing out the positive is a good thing, maybe even a good exercise, but only if HE is also pointing out the positive in you, too. For her to just blog about how great her husband is if he is still being a d-bag seems like it is just breeding bad behavior. If you have a child, a dog, whatever, and they are doing something bad- you don't tell them- "oh but you tie your shoes perfectly!" NO- you tell them "Pick up your crap!" or "Don't call me that!"
You have people messaging you or telling you "Maybe you should talk to your husband :) " - Well, maybe you should talk to him, maybe you have, or maybe you are just writing to vent, or maybe you shouldn't post your blog to the public and not expect everyone and their mother (literally) to have an opinion. Or you could take the HotMessMom route and just screw it all.
How does all of this play into my mass-realization? After struggling through post-pardum and making it through my first year of motherhood, a new job my husbands new job and a lot of struggling I just don't know where I stand with it all. Back in the day everyone stayed married- end of story. Happy or not, it didn't matter. Seems pointless to me, why should people stay together and be unhappy? Why should you struggle and live day to day getting irate at every little thing when it is simply unnecessary?
Before baby, I was over 200lbs. For my 5' 8" body- that is alot of weight, even for pregnancy. With my current stress level and onset of migraines I have dropped over 30lbs in the past 2 months. Some can be attributed to one of the migraine medicines that my doctor is trying, but a bulk is due to the stress and lack of eating and sleeping. None of my clothes fit and I am starting to get comments about looking unhealthy for my frame. The only person that didn't notice, my husband. After I started commenting and stood on the scale in front of him he has now taken note and thinks "recess" should be on all the time. After eight years, it has taken this much of a change and basically starvation to get a feeling of "want" or "desire."
According to Miss Blogger- I should just run with it and be happy he is paying attention! At the end of the day, you can only do so much on your own. You can only live separate lives for so long and you can only take it for so long. For the first time in eight years we are supposed to be going away for a weekend- just the two of us. I took him on a surprise cruise a few years back- Worst. Experience. Ever! He claims that it was amazing- he was obviously not on the same boat I was. He is claiming that we are going camping in the woods, and I am playing into his little surprise. When we arrive at our cabin I will be pleasantly surprised, and if we do in fact arrive at a tent, I will be getting my own cabin- Tent + Woods + February + Me = Not Happening!
I am crossing my fingers that me standing up for myself has brought light to the fact that I am not OK with things continuing down the path that they have been. I am not exactly a poster child for optimism, and I am a child of divorced parents- so I know the odds. For now, I will continue to live for me and my son. I give my husband what he gives me. If that is attitude then so be it- I refuse to continue to be a whipping post. My son deserves to have a mother that is stronger than that, and I refuse to let him be raised in a house that allows him to think that treating any woman (or man or person) in a way that degrades or belittles them or their self worth is appropriate. He will respect people, and not use derogatory language and know that how he feels- whether that be creative, happy, sad, or pissed off it is alright to express and deal with all of those emotions.
All in all, I have evaluated where I am in life, and what it has cost me; both monetary and otherwise. The things that make me happy aren't things that require massive influxes of money. Yes, I need a new car- since grandma Taurus is leaking about a quart of oil a week. But I don't NEED a house right now, I don't NEED a high end vehicle. I do NEED affection, I NEED time with my son, with my family and friends. I NEED to have some nights away from my son- away from the endless routine of catching balls as they fly down the stairs. I NEED to know that I still matter outside of the parameters of "mom" and "employee." I am not willing to sacrifice anymore of myself to get any of these needs fulfilled. There comes a time when it isn't compromise any more it is just giving up. I won't get to that point.
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