Living for the moment

We have hit thirty weeks- and I can honestly say that the hormones from the previous weeks have NOTHING on the current ones. It has been a very hectic and emotional ride in our house lately. To begin, I get a phone call from my husband that his mother is a mess because she got word that her brother was found deceased and very little information is known about how/ etc. She stays at our house that night so that he could take her to see his grandmother (her mother) the next day and break the news to her with the rest of her family, That morning at 4am I am woken up by her hysterically crying I wake my husband to check on her, and we discover her sister has called to say that her mother passed away that night. The only positive being that the family didn't have to break the news about her son and she passed away peacefully in her sleep.

"Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone how would your world react? Whatever you imagined was wrong. There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean: it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love. I didn't know Quentin Fields but I'm jealous of him because I see how his absence has affected the people that did know him so I know that he did matter to them. And I know he was loved"- One Tree Hill

I have had very few experiences with death- My great uncle passed when I was in fifth grade, and all I can recall is getting dressed up and holding my grandfathers hand as he cried at the casket. When my husband and I started dating- his grandfather had gotten ill rather quickly and was in the hospital, my aunt was also ill and in and out of several hospitals with a very gloomy prognosis. I nannied two little boys at the time, and I remember always taking them with me to see her after school. A 19 year old girl toting a baby carrier and a 2 year old through the parking deck and hospital just to see her for a few minutes- I can imagine what a sight I was. In the hospital, even sick with thinning hair and a dwindling figure, she was full of life; playing Mexican Trains, drinking Margaritas, always with a smile and a good attitude. When she was younger she had a red convertible, and I remember going to Sea World in that convertible, all decked out in some Little Mermaid outfit (I was borderline obsessed)- it was one of the best memories I have, everything seemed perfect.

After a few months she was moved to hospice, and less than two days later she had passed. I will never forget my grandmother calling me to tell me the news- the grace and poise that she had in calling me to say her daughter was gone-  I will never know how she did it.

My husbands grandfather passed away almost a month after my aunt, and I remember him getting that phone call in the wee hours of the night and the drive to his grandmothers house- he told me that he was upset that he finally had someone he could see spending his life with and his grandfather wouldn't be there to see him get married. It brought out emotions I didn't think I could feel. Grampy, as everyone called him, was nothing short of a joker- he was the pull my finger, wanna hear a dirty joke, wise cracking old man that idealized everything children remember of their younger years. I am honored that our son will have his namesake, and know he will be told of the love his grandfather had for his dad and what an amazing man he was.

Seeing my mother in law go through these losses brought back all the memories I had of my aunt and of Grampy. At the grave site, it seemed overwhelming, seeing all those that had passed, old, young- ones that had left their husband or wives behind, children that had yet to experience life, and one stood out- it read "The greatest thing in life was loving you"- Prior to my husband, and our little boy, I don't think I could have begun to imagine having that sort of love in my life. Yes, I love my parents and siblings, we all do on some level, despite the ups and downs- but this is something else- something that you aren't obligated to, but that you grow into and discover on your own.

In addition to all of that, Uncle T came home for what we thought would be a weeks stay- and we had planned on surprising him this afternoon by taking him to my ultrasound. Since we won't see him until after Easter next year, it was our chance to introduce him to his nephew- unfortunately, after making the ten plus hour drive to come home- he got a phone call to be back on base at 9am the following morning. So we had dinner and said our bittersweet goodbyes. I am proud to call him my brother, and am proud of the man he has become and the things he is sacrificing to serve the country- my son will always know about his service and its importance. With any luck he has a late flight and I can figure out my new smart phone and get some face time this afternoon at the appointment.

I suppose reflecting, it is understandable that I have hit the hormonal lottery and lose it at the Pampers commercials. It is also hard to convey, especially to my husband, that while there is alot going on for him and his family, and he is trying to support his mother- that I also need support. I need to know that just because these unforeseeable and not so pleasant events are happening that he is still happy about our son. That it will not be the "worst holiday season ever" and that if anything, now would be a time to reflect on what you do have and what to be thankful for in life rather than the negatives. I realize this is a somewhat hormonal and maybe selfish way to think, but it is hard for me to hear comments like that and not get a little stinging feeling. And let me tell you emotions is not my husbands strong suite- love him to death- but this is one of those topics that we will argue until the day we die. Communicating feelings- and more so understanding and appreciating feelings is something that we tend to butt heads on. Comes with the territory, I know, but at this point in the pregnancy, it is much harder to handle and cope with than before. 

Appointment this afternoon- and the husband will be there! So maybe this will be the time that for once the little man is cooperating and dad will get the jolt that there is in fact a small human in there and yes, he is ours, and yes, you need to be extra nice to me! A girl can dream.... More later after (hopefully) some pictures.