See the Good in Everything

Tomorrow we graduate! I say "we", because for those that have managed to endure Kindergarten, it truly is a joint effort. This school year has been probably one of the most challenging aside from Lil Man's first year. I cannot speak enough praises of preschool and early education, we personally used Goddard school and they were wonderful. This year he started at a private school due to the lack of decent public schools in the area, and I can honestly say that it was the best decision for both of us. Around the Fall, the notes from the teacher started to tell me what I sensed I already knew but couldn't quite face, he was starting to encounter challenges that a smaller class and extra help at home wouldn't be enough to overcome. After several meetings, countless emails and endless documentations and modifications at home- I made the appointment and came home with an official diagnosis- ADHD. Now, neither his father or myself can ever do something sma...

This is me Right now, at this moment in time. (no filter, no make-up, just me) I am writing at midnight as my child lies asleep next to me in my own bed. There are so many things that I have to say, so many things that I have learned, lived through and experienced in the 6 years since I started this blog. Tonight though, I want to just reflect on my role as a mom. Moms are tough... without a doubt. Even the moms who didn't birth their children, those whose children aren't here with them, and those who have kids via any other special circumstance. This job is much harder than I ever imagined, ever. When my Goober arrived in the non-traditional fashion that he did, he threw me into the thick of it, and I am pretty sure that we have yet to surface for air. I am the proud single mother of a 6 year old boy who has endured 5 surgeries, the divorce of his parents and still manages to carry on with more strength and dignity than I have seen in most adults I know.  I am n...

It has been a year since my divorce was finalized... a year . Do you know what can happen in a year?  You can fall in love You can move into your first apartment You can rescue a kitten You can survive your first "I love you" after the last one broke your heart You can get defeated by those closest to you You can watch your ex-husband move on and be happy You can survive (barely) your first holiday without your kid You can watch your life start to crumble as the facade of happiness that you put on so well starts to fade away That "love" you thought you had, you realize was more of just a band-aid over a gaping wound, or a sip of water after a few years in the desert. You can watch your ex schedule a date for the same day you are moving out of the apartment, and then put his toothbrush in the toilet and glitter in the towels (not my finest moment) You can pack up and move, again, too embarrassed and hurt to count how m...

Some days... It seems like most of my days anymore, that simple task, breathing, feels like a monumental task. By definition, depression is a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.  After having my son, it was easily diagnosed as post partum, despite the years that I hid my anxieties beforehand. Unless you have experienced the darkness, the feeling of simply gasping for a breath when in fact there is nothing there physically taking it from you, it is so very hard to understand. A simple question like "Where do you see yourself in five years?" may as well be a question about the Bermuda Triangle, just surviving the day can be considered a victory.  The past few weeks have been some of the worst. I feel like I tell myself that every so many weeks, and with each mantra, I feel a little more defeated. The issue with depression is that you lose reasoning, the ab...

My grandmother passed away last night. If you follow the "traditional" roles of family- she was my ex-step-grandmother, since she was the mom of my mothers ex-husband. They divorced over 20 years ago, and yet to me, she will always be Grandma Y, he will always be Grandpa Y, and I'll always have six extra aunts and uncles and a stepfather. My mom has a new husband, and while he is a wonderful man, one of the best grandfathers that I could have ever asked for my son, he isn't my stepdad. My mothers first husband was my other "dad", I was his bunny hopper and for the first few years of my life I didn't know that he was to treat me any different than his children. My own father had a family of his own too, and it was a stark contrast to what I had at my mothers house, as much as I know it hurts my dad now looking back. I called my mom when I visited my father on the weekend asking to come back home and even ran away once- just on the weekends that I vis...

I was asked that question more times yesterday than I ever thought possible, and each time it stung more than the previous. By the fourth, the tears just couldn't hold back. This day had been long awaited.  Legally, it was the end of an era, the end of so many memories, and so much pain. I left and cried to my friend about how something like this could happen. A friend who had recently gone through the same thing- she very well may have been in that same court room. She knew that there were no words that could have been said to comfort me, just knowing she was there on the other end of that phone was comfort enough.  Sitting in that small room, I got the speech again "this is what you wanted, I didn't ask for this- this year was going to be different"- as if, like always, I was the issue, the problem, the reason that things had gone awry. After nearly nine years, begging, pleading, now was the time to change- it was, for me it was.  So I agreed that I knew he an...

Years ago, I had a friend, I've written about her, I've put pictures of her in my blog, I do not talk to her anymore. I used to grieve this friendship, but like so many other things I have recently lost, I just move forward and don't look back. "If you focus on what you have left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead"- Ratatouille However, there are few days each year, that the pain I know she carries stings me. I used to feel this pain in a way I couldn't describe, in a way I never wanted to know. Now I feel this pain in a way that I know she feels too.  Today is October 15- It is National Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. How common an occurrence that there is a NATIONAL day for this? 1 in 4 women know what this is. Having struggled to have lil man, I knew all too well that I could be a part of this statistic one day. I know far too many mothers that are a part of this statistic. I only knew of my daughter for a few short week...