Are you Sure
I was asked that question more times yesterday than I ever thought possible, and each time it stung more than the previous. By the fourth, the tears just couldn't hold back. This day had been long awaited.
Legally, it was the end of an era, the end of so many memories, and so much pain. I left and cried to my friend about how something like this could happen. A friend who had recently gone through the same thing- she very well may have been in that same court room. She knew that there were no words that could have been said to comfort me, just knowing she was there on the other end of that phone was comfort enough.
Sitting in that small room, I got the speech again "this is what you wanted, I didn't ask for this- this year was going to be different"- as if, like always, I was the issue, the problem, the reason that things had gone awry. After nearly nine years, begging, pleading, now was the time to change- it was, for me it was.
So I agreed that I knew he answered his questions honestly, that what we set forth in the agreement was fair (although I could have screamed at this fact because what option did I have? I wanted out, I couldn't very well get a lawyer at this point, he would have transferred any assets to his mother or friends and it would have drug the process out), and it was done.
I drove home, or to the closest thing to a home that I have which is more of a physical location of feeling safe and wanted than anything and had my Chipotle and got changed to try and go for a walk before getting lil man picked up. The walk didn't happen- so an ice cream stop and "minion chicken and french fry" stop on the way back to the house was in order instead.
I still feel destroyed, and like a failure. I'm relieved that it is done, and I'm overall in a better place, but never again do I want to endure any part of that again. To give myself to someone like that so entirely only to be ignored and told the hurtful things that I was told over the years. I won't allow my son to be raised that way either. I've spent a long time repairing the damage, and I'm still pretty fragile.
I wouldn't wish this process on anyone, but I would tell anyone going through it that there is another side, and that even though it feels like the absolute worst pain in the world, there is hope, somewhere, you just have to keep going.
I got on the dreaded FaceBook, and I saw that the people that used to surround me had taken my Ex out to "celebrate new beginnings" and tell him that they loved him- all smiles in their fire hats and drinks. Ever want to strangle someone through a picture? I did. The betrayal of all those people out there, my "friends" and "family"- the knives just keep getting jabbed into my back. So I carry on with those that do care about me and check in with me, I have an incredible little man and a boyfriend who has a pretty great family and group of friends. Learning to cut out all the negativity is a new skill that I'm getting pretty good at.
Legally, it was the end of an era, the end of so many memories, and so much pain. I left and cried to my friend about how something like this could happen. A friend who had recently gone through the same thing- she very well may have been in that same court room. She knew that there were no words that could have been said to comfort me, just knowing she was there on the other end of that phone was comfort enough.
Sitting in that small room, I got the speech again "this is what you wanted, I didn't ask for this- this year was going to be different"- as if, like always, I was the issue, the problem, the reason that things had gone awry. After nearly nine years, begging, pleading, now was the time to change- it was, for me it was.
So I agreed that I knew he answered his questions honestly, that what we set forth in the agreement was fair (although I could have screamed at this fact because what option did I have? I wanted out, I couldn't very well get a lawyer at this point, he would have transferred any assets to his mother or friends and it would have drug the process out), and it was done.
I drove home, or to the closest thing to a home that I have which is more of a physical location of feeling safe and wanted than anything and had my Chipotle and got changed to try and go for a walk before getting lil man picked up. The walk didn't happen- so an ice cream stop and "minion chicken and french fry" stop on the way back to the house was in order instead.
I still feel destroyed, and like a failure. I'm relieved that it is done, and I'm overall in a better place, but never again do I want to endure any part of that again. To give myself to someone like that so entirely only to be ignored and told the hurtful things that I was told over the years. I won't allow my son to be raised that way either. I've spent a long time repairing the damage, and I'm still pretty fragile.
I wouldn't wish this process on anyone, but I would tell anyone going through it that there is another side, and that even though it feels like the absolute worst pain in the world, there is hope, somewhere, you just have to keep going.
I got on the dreaded FaceBook, and I saw that the people that used to surround me had taken my Ex out to "celebrate new beginnings" and tell him that they loved him- all smiles in their fire hats and drinks. Ever want to strangle someone through a picture? I did. The betrayal of all those people out there, my "friends" and "family"- the knives just keep getting jabbed into my back. So I carry on with those that do care about me and check in with me, I have an incredible little man and a boyfriend who has a pretty great family and group of friends. Learning to cut out all the negativity is a new skill that I'm getting pretty good at.
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