the adventure continues
So the day after we finally cam home from our last hospital trip- I got mastitis. If you don't know what mastitis is... you're lucky. Some heavy duty antibiotics and alot of time in a hot shower and I have thrown in the towel on nursing. I feel horribly guilty about it, and it is the last thing I wanted to do- but to get supply back it will require meds that have some side effects I am not prepared for, and serious commitment to pumping, which I just don't have the time and energy for. So he is burning through the frozen supply and onto straight formula.
His first speech evaluation was this week, and they determined that he is still not ready for a bottle or anything by mouth. We will start seeing an infant evaluation team and they will watch his development and when he is six months (developmentally)- we will redo the swallow study and see if he can tolerate eating solids and go from there. In all likelihood he will never have a bottle- just a cup and spoon (which makes my plethora of bottles seem stupid but what can you do?). We will get the referral for that team of people; Speech, occupational & physical therapy as well as nutrition at his next weight check-up appointment and go from there.
The feedings have been going alright- the nighttime ones seem to be the worst. He screams for a good twenty minutes during and after and we don't really know why- whether it be an upset belly or just that at that time the day all gets to him- it just makes it very unpleasant for all involved. He was having stomach problems, so we tried prune juice and pear juice and Miralax before talking with our pediatrician (our NEW one who called me directly- yes, I got a call back from the DOCTOR not a nurse or secretary) and he explained that what Caden has isn't constipation- it's his muscles not coordinating. He will get there eventually, it will just take time and may require some not so cheery interventions if he starts his crying and pushing until his body starts getting into rhythm and realizing that when the stomach contracts he needs to let what it is contracting OUT- currently he is fighting to keep it in; that would make me a little mad, too.
He has started smiling- which is amazing. Yesterday was a really good day and the first day I noticed how aware he is. He would smile, coo back at me and we could lay on the playmat for a while swatting toys and just "chatting." The past ten and a half weeks really has gone by in a flash. He also loves bath time now and the little bath cover ups I found at Babies R Us are the best thing invented for bath time!
I made chili a few days ago, a big feat considering I also got dishes done, laundry, all of Cadens feedings AND managed to keep him happy and entertained. Daddy got a new job with a lot of responsibility, and it has been wearing on me. Caden and I both support him fully- but it is rough to not have him present when he is home. There are so many things that he has to get done with his new job that time at home is sparse and when he is here he is doing work. The night I made chili was hard for me. He was stressed about getting stuff done and I was trying to get him some dinner so he would eat and he was frustrated that I was getting him food and asking him to hold Caden while I did that. I was nearing melt down/ blow-up stage and informed him as non-teary eyed as I could that I was trying to help and didn't appreciate him getting an attitude about holding his son for a few minutes. Later he came back and apologized and told me he knows it has been rough and that in the long run things will be better and easier but this month will just be a little hectic. It didn't make me feel much better, but I was happy that he recognized how much work I am doing at home and with Caden.
I start work in one short week, and I cannot even explain the dread. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to be away for so long, I am anticipating the intense stress of being gone all day and then balancing everything at home- I am borderline needing anxiety medication! I have been offered two jobs: one part time and one full time and I turned both down due to the pay cut I would have to take. I had an interview yesterday and am hoping a few other applications pan out so that I can get into something a little better: hours, pay, and just more what I want to do in general. It is so hard to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that in the end all will be fine- I know deep down that is true but I like control and planning and I just don't have that in my life right now.
So, what else? Hubby got me a beautiful necklace for Christmas- it is a heart with two gems- my birthstone and Cadens (which is also daddys). I told him that means our next one has to be born by my birthday so I won't need to get it switched out. When (If) number two comes around, I would like to be able to spend more time at home and maybe go back just part time for a year or so. The baby blues seem to be getting better- but I still have my moments, especially when daddy is busy and I have Caden all night. I still wouldn't trade him for the world- he is the best thing to happen to me. Also the most stressful and time consuming!
His first speech evaluation was this week, and they determined that he is still not ready for a bottle or anything by mouth. We will start seeing an infant evaluation team and they will watch his development and when he is six months (developmentally)- we will redo the swallow study and see if he can tolerate eating solids and go from there. In all likelihood he will never have a bottle- just a cup and spoon (which makes my plethora of bottles seem stupid but what can you do?). We will get the referral for that team of people; Speech, occupational & physical therapy as well as nutrition at his next weight check-up appointment and go from there.
The feedings have been going alright- the nighttime ones seem to be the worst. He screams for a good twenty minutes during and after and we don't really know why- whether it be an upset belly or just that at that time the day all gets to him- it just makes it very unpleasant for all involved. He was having stomach problems, so we tried prune juice and pear juice and Miralax before talking with our pediatrician (our NEW one who called me directly- yes, I got a call back from the DOCTOR not a nurse or secretary) and he explained that what Caden has isn't constipation- it's his muscles not coordinating. He will get there eventually, it will just take time and may require some not so cheery interventions if he starts his crying and pushing until his body starts getting into rhythm and realizing that when the stomach contracts he needs to let what it is contracting OUT- currently he is fighting to keep it in; that would make me a little mad, too.
He has started smiling- which is amazing. Yesterday was a really good day and the first day I noticed how aware he is. He would smile, coo back at me and we could lay on the playmat for a while swatting toys and just "chatting." The past ten and a half weeks really has gone by in a flash. He also loves bath time now and the little bath cover ups I found at Babies R Us are the best thing invented for bath time!
I made chili a few days ago, a big feat considering I also got dishes done, laundry, all of Cadens feedings AND managed to keep him happy and entertained. Daddy got a new job with a lot of responsibility, and it has been wearing on me. Caden and I both support him fully- but it is rough to not have him present when he is home. There are so many things that he has to get done with his new job that time at home is sparse and when he is here he is doing work. The night I made chili was hard for me. He was stressed about getting stuff done and I was trying to get him some dinner so he would eat and he was frustrated that I was getting him food and asking him to hold Caden while I did that. I was nearing melt down/ blow-up stage and informed him as non-teary eyed as I could that I was trying to help and didn't appreciate him getting an attitude about holding his son for a few minutes. Later he came back and apologized and told me he knows it has been rough and that in the long run things will be better and easier but this month will just be a little hectic. It didn't make me feel much better, but I was happy that he recognized how much work I am doing at home and with Caden.
I start work in one short week, and I cannot even explain the dread. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to be away for so long, I am anticipating the intense stress of being gone all day and then balancing everything at home- I am borderline needing anxiety medication! I have been offered two jobs: one part time and one full time and I turned both down due to the pay cut I would have to take. I had an interview yesterday and am hoping a few other applications pan out so that I can get into something a little better: hours, pay, and just more what I want to do in general. It is so hard to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that in the end all will be fine- I know deep down that is true but I like control and planning and I just don't have that in my life right now.
So, what else? Hubby got me a beautiful necklace for Christmas- it is a heart with two gems- my birthstone and Cadens (which is also daddys). I told him that means our next one has to be born by my birthday so I won't need to get it switched out. When (If) number two comes around, I would like to be able to spend more time at home and maybe go back just part time for a year or so. The baby blues seem to be getting better- but I still have my moments, especially when daddy is busy and I have Caden all night. I still wouldn't trade him for the world- he is the best thing to happen to me. Also the most stressful and time consuming!
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