Trust

Trust

This is such a simple word. 

It's a statement, a promise, something that is given with the utmost respect.

Until recently, I didn't realize exactly what this little word really meant- what weight it carried.

I am pretty open about my life- "I'm an open book", "Ask away"- If I had a dollar for every time someone suggested to me that I write a novel or a biography, I would probably be able to fund said novel. What few probably realize is that while the experiences are in fact real, it is much easier to make light of the situations and be a pillar for those around you than it is to truly show the impact that the situations have had on you. 

Several posts have shown the more serious side- the loss of my grandmother, battling post partum, my divorce-  but the scars that I have weathered from my incredibly unique up-bringing are something that few, if truly anyone, have actually seen. 

So how does Trust come into all of this?

From our beginnings, we naturally trust our parents- we don't know any different. Why would they lead us astray? Mine did. I don't think that they meant to, or did so maliciously- but from a young age, I took the concept of trust at face value- just another five letter word that meant nothing more than hello or sorry. 

I have been told various versions of my early years- I know my mother lived with her mother, and for whatever reason, that relationship has always been a strained one. My mother married young (as did my father- though not to one another).  By my third birthday I had three siblings, all boys, I had a second father and a stepmother. 
Notice that I had a step parent and a second parent. My stepmother never accepted me, never. 

Over the course of her and my fathers marriage I managed to run away during a weekend visitation, call my "dad" (stepfather) to come take me home, and eventually was moved into the bedroom in the basement under the stairs next to the laundry room that occasionally flooded and had no insulation. In the winter I would gaze up at the icicles that would form in the glass block windows- I can now see the irony that Harry Potter was a favorite of mine. She had her children, and then there was me. We went to the same school- yet I rode the bus. Family pictures and annual Christmas pictures were taken in two rounds- one set with me and the rest without me- I found out later in life that a few times the wrong set was sent to my fathers side of the family. 

When we went on vacation, I would get a talk about making sure I left her mother alone and didn't spend too much time around her as it was her mother and her children's grandmother- when she would host parties I was instructed to stay in my room or out of sight. I was smart enough to know that my father couldn't be oblivious to this behavior, I had tried to point it out, find ways to show that it upset me. I went to endless counselors who all ended up making me face her- only to say the same thing- "Momma (the moniker that I for some reason used), I just want you to love me as you do your own kids."  The answer was always the same wide eyed blank stare, cold as ice as if it was going to take away what small piece of hope I still held onto. She would deadpan to the counselor that I was just putting on a show, and I would then never see that counselor again.

Trust... how was I to trust these two "parents" when this is what I knew? I mentioned that I had lived with my mother- so how did I end up with dad and step-momma dearest?

At some point a custody battle ensued. I can gather that it stemmed when I started using my step-fathers last name rather than my mothers maiden name. I also know that at some point, my father fought his paternity (Trust- such a fickle thing) and as an infant I got a test done in court. In 4th grade, it was decided that my mother and father would try 50/50 custody. This is perhaps THE dumbest thing ever. I spent 3 days at one house, 4 days at the other, reverse it the next week. I walked to school from my mother's house, rode the bus from my father's. 

This schedule was ridiculous and led to me going from straight A's to D's and an F. I was punished, everyone was upset and I suffered. At the same time, my mother and her boyfriend both worked a factory job on opposite shifts. Her boyfriend used the belt as discipline, I had bruises, my father took me in to Children's hospital, some very odd person ended up taking many pictures of me and the bruises on me with his large camera and bright hot flash and the judge ruled in favor of me moving to my father's house full time. 

During this whole process, there were MANY visits from court appointed people. They talked to friends, family, my siblings, my parents, everyone. When I saw my dad he told me how great t would be to be with ALL my siblings (4 by now- 2 sisters and 2 brothers) I could have a bunk bed, we would all go to school and ride the bus together. I could have a big party with all my cousins "welcoming" me home. 

I did get a bunk bed with my sister, for maybe 2 years- then I got separated. I rode the bus in the morning for a few years, then that ended. I didn't get to play sports like the other kids did- my grandmother had to pay for and drive me to any sports. I didn't have friends over... all those things were just words, empty promises. I was just a body in the house. A pawn in the game of proving that my dad and his wife had won the game of high school. 

By my junior year I knew I would be on my own, I made as little of an impact as I could. I didn't make lasting friendships, what was the point? When the fateful day of me moving out came it was no surprise that when given the choice my father chose his wife and not his first born. 

I had no trust in the people who raised me. No trust in the educators who were trained to protect me- they sent me home to the same people who just as soon threw me back into a home that couldn't support me. My grandmother did everything she could for me. What I needed was emotional support, the one thing she couldn't do. 

I ended up with my husband. And I clung to him because I wanted someone, anything at that point to give me hope and I was determined to make something work- to show that I could do it. That despite what I had been through that I could make it. For a while I tricked myself into believing my own lie. But like everything I had seen and been told my whole life, even this trust was just a facade. 


The trust of this relationship was only the trust that he allowed me to have. Everything came with a cost. I moved, I gave up friends, social media, my family. I changed my life, my personality, I made myself into a shell of who I was. The strong and independent person that I once was became lost- just like that. Any person of the opposite sex was the enemy. I was constantly under the assumption of cheating- always. I was constantly proving myself to NOT be doing something. 

Think about that, how do you prove you weren't doing something? Isn't the foundation of a relationship trust? If the person you are with is always telling you that they themselves have trust issues- how do YOU fix that? I thought I could- I would be strong enough, faithful enough, I would be the one to do it.

Trust... I couldn't do it, and in the process I broke myself.

So here I am, a divorce later, countless fall outs with my own friends, many attempts at fixing problems with my family- and I finally feel like I am grasping what this whole trust thing is.

Where is this epiphany come from? Something new, naturally.

The definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different. Well, this time I have something different. 

I started with being open and honest, and with trust- in myself first and foremost. Opening the vault and realizing that what I have may not be pretty and may not be the picture perfect scenario, but it is what I have to offer. Also understanding what I am worth, what my value is and what I am willing to settle with- and not just settle with, but what I want in life- because no one should settle. No one should be an option. 

I have never been in the position that I have had someone have my back- ever. I have given my all in relationships, yet never been in the position that I have known what they have felt on the other side. Having been in the fire service I know what the work aspect has been- and that is an incredible feeling. To know that when that wall comes down if I fall I have a team behind me. But in life, when the chips are down, when shit hits the fan- it's been me. 

I have friends, whom I love, who I would drop it all for, but I keep them at a distance because I don't want to burden them with my problems, they don't owe me that level of commitment. I had a husband, a HUSBAND, and as I watched our son come out of anesthesia at 2 months old and barely 8 pounds, I held him and witnessed him writhe in pain knowing I couldn't help him. My tears being the only thing to attempt to soothe him while I rocked him and cried for nurses and doctors. I was alone then, as I was at some of my worst moments. I had that same person taunt me to shoot myself because the world would be a better place as I held his gun in my hands, the cool metal aching in my hands and yearning for me to make the escape from the cruel place that I lived. Over the years I have taught myself that cat calls and comments are just the norm and meant to be ignored and just to roll off your back because acknowledging them means you are playing into the game and being unfaithful to the one you are with, discussing it is even worse of a situation. 

In the last 2 months, what I have learned about Trust is that I knew nothing at all. Trust is something that truly does exist. It is something that despite everything that has happened in your past, you can still nurture- it is something that you can have, you can give and it really IS the foundation of actual relationships and friendships. Trust is confidence in someone to feel safe physically and emotionally- it's like having the other person there with you even when they aren't there. It's a pretty good feeling, and as long as it has taken me to figure this out and finally get to a place where I am getting people in my life that I can actually trust and build these types of relationships with- it's an incredible feeling.