I have no tub...

 < THIS (was) is my living room, I decided to commence moving on the hottest possible days. I am not sure who was happier, me or my dad, that I finally moved.... don't get me wrong- I was more than thankful that he housed lil man and I for as long as he did, but since I was finally able to afford something, it was time for me to get my own room!! So I looked at a house and few duplexes and settled on a place just a few miles from daddy's nest. 

Now this little duplex, two bedrooms, a mere five minutes from dear old grandpa- is a far cry from what I wanted to call home.  The whole place smelled of stale smoke and had to be scrubbed down since the landlord couldn't be bothered to repaint, the windows are all in bad need of being replaced, the baseboards- which house the heating, all have chipped and peeling paint. The appliances are probably older than my parents, and all the cupboards reek and have water damage and are warped. BUT, for the first time in longer than I care to admit I will be able to sleep in my own room, and not on the floor next to the single bed that I gave up for my son.

I spent hours, and hours and HOURS going through boxes and belongings. My first priority was getting lil man's room together. I wanted him to have a place to come home to first and foremost. What killed me most when I stayed with my dad was when my son would get upset and ask when we were going home. He would ask to "go home to mommy's house." It would break my heart that I couldn't do that for him, so the second I possibly could I did. Now we have "mommy & C house" complete with our puppy Vienna "Nenna" and new kitten "Dory-Cat."

So after cleaning and scrubbing, packing and unpacking, trips from my dads to storage, the exes to my house and back again- I finally had a place to my own- again. For a brief moment of time, I had been living in a rental house my grandfather had. It was in less dirty condition than the duplex I now have, although structurally it was less safe. From the exterior walls to the center of the house, it had sunk about 6 inches. All the plumbing needed redone- my dad had relaid all the attic flooring for me. There was a lovely hole in the bathroom that looked straight down to the basement, and I had a furnace guy out twice since every night I would play a not-so-nice game of "Is the Furnace ACTUALLY working today?" I paid my grandfather rent at this place, and he wanted me to pay for all the repairs as well. The roof was leaking into the attic, the furnace man, after his second visit informed me (in my 50 degree house in April) that the furnace was the age of the house and would NOT survive another winter, all the appliances need replaced and there was a rampant ant problem since the previous tenant didn't keep the windows sealed.

This was all on top of the fact that I had to empty the house from the last tenant- including what was named the "death couch"- it looked innocent enough, just a tan suede couch left behind, like every other random article of clothing, drum set, banjo and dresser in the house. Until it was moved. Then the stench could have awoken King Tut himself. After putting all the work into this house, painting, floors, etc. Which both my parents did- my grandfather started giving me a hard time and then demanded that I pay him more rent and not deduct for some of the costlier repairs, then that I get out of the house.

SO- we vacated.... It is now about six months later, and the house is still vacant. Very glad that I emptied it as quickly as possible so it could sit empty -_-

Our little home now has several "froggies" (they are really toads) around it, since we still live more or less in a different version of the country we abandoned, and lil man likes to greet them and then put them back into the yard every time he sees them. I find it to be just about the cutest thing ever. 

I have my own room again, and slept on a single bed for a little over a month before upgrading to a Queen bed frame and finally an actual queen mattress- which at that point felt like a California King!! I have been beyond grateful at my family and friends- who really are all family in my book who have helped out to get me furniture. I left with nothing, just debt and the things for my minion. I don't have the resources to get anything else beyond the few things I have purchased and at this point I really don't need anything else. Just being out of the environment has been enough.

It has taken six phone calls and text messages, three repair man visits and two appliance visits, and we FINALLY have working appliaces. Still broken windows and a missing screen, but our new little home is close enough to "together" to be a home. The furniture is all well loved and lived in by all the previous owners and it resembles more of a college apartment, but we just think of it as something for us to start new from someday. 

There are days where I completely breakdown, I cry the whole hour home from picking him up from the sitter and wonder how the HELL I managed to screw up this bad- how I couldn't try harder, put more effort in, or how I could have been so stupid to not see the signs and hang in so long that I allowed myself to be in this position now? I'm only human, and the what ifs and the curiosities of what could have been can get the best of me some nights- and all I can do is go home and get to bed before the thoughts consume me, because I know that at the end of the day I did the best that I could. It may have taken me much longer than I wanted, maybe longer than it would have taken others. I may not have the house I want, more bills than I anticipated, I may not be living where I imagined, or have the life that I ideally would like for my kid right now, but I now I am doing everything I can, I am trying my hardest, and I'm a good person. I put everything I had into a marriage that just didn't work- it was a two way street- it destroyed me, it nearly killed me and now I am the person that I should have been all along, I am a better person for it all.