See the Good in Everything

Some days... It seems like most of my days anymore, that simple task, breathing, feels like a monumental task. By definition, depression is a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.  After having my son, it was easily diagnosed as post partum, despite the years that I hid my anxieties beforehand. Unless you have experienced the darkness, the feeling of simply gasping for a breath when in fact there is nothing there physically taking it from you, it is so very hard to understand. A simple question like "Where do you see yourself in five years?" may as well be a question about the Bermuda Triangle, just surviving the day can be considered a victory.  The past few weeks have been some of the worst. I feel like I tell myself that every so many weeks, and with each mantra, I feel a little more defeated. The issue with depression is that you lose reasoning, the ab...

My grandmother passed away last night. If you follow the "traditional" roles of family- she was my ex-step-grandmother, since she was the mom of my mothers ex-husband. They divorced over 20 years ago, and yet to me, she will always be Grandma Y, he will always be Grandpa Y, and I'll always have six extra aunts and uncles and a stepfather. My mom has a new husband, and while he is a wonderful man, one of the best grandfathers that I could have ever asked for my son, he isn't my stepdad. My mothers first husband was my other "dad", I was his bunny hopper and for the first few years of my life I didn't know that he was to treat me any different than his children. My own father had a family of his own too, and it was a stark contrast to what I had at my mothers house, as much as I know it hurts my dad now looking back. I called my mom when I visited my father on the weekend asking to come back home and even ran away once- just on the weekends that I vis...

I was asked that question more times yesterday than I ever thought possible, and each time it stung more than the previous. By the fourth, the tears just couldn't hold back. This day had been long awaited.  Legally, it was the end of an era, the end of so many memories, and so much pain. I left and cried to my friend about how something like this could happen. A friend who had recently gone through the same thing- she very well may have been in that same court room. She knew that there were no words that could have been said to comfort me, just knowing she was there on the other end of that phone was comfort enough.  Sitting in that small room, I got the speech again "this is what you wanted, I didn't ask for this- this year was going to be different"- as if, like always, I was the issue, the problem, the reason that things had gone awry. After nearly nine years, begging, pleading, now was the time to change- it was, for me it was.  So I agreed that I knew he an...

Years ago, I had a friend, I've written about her, I've put pictures of her in my blog, I do not talk to her anymore. I used to grieve this friendship, but like so many other things I have recently lost, I just move forward and don't look back. "If you focus on what you have left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead"- Ratatouille However, there are few days each year, that the pain I know she carries stings me. I used to feel this pain in a way I couldn't describe, in a way I never wanted to know. Now I feel this pain in a way that I know she feels too.  Today is October 15- It is National Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. How common an occurrence that there is a NATIONAL day for this? 1 in 4 women know what this is. Having struggled to have lil man, I knew all too well that I could be a part of this statistic one day. I know far too many mothers that are a part of this statistic. I only knew of my daughter for a few short week...

 < THIS (was) is my living room, I decided to commence moving on the hottest possible days. I am not sure who was happier, me or my dad, that I finally moved.... don't get me wrong- I was more than thankful that he housed lil man and I for as long as he did, but since I was finally able to afford something, it was time for me to get my own room!! So I looked at a house and few duplexes and settled on a place just a few miles from daddy's nest.  Now this little duplex, two bedrooms, a mere five minutes from dear old grandpa- is a far cry from what I wanted to call home.  The whole place smelled of stale smoke and had to be scrubbed down since the landlord couldn't be bothered to repaint, the windows are all in bad need of being replaced, the baseboards- which house the heating, all have chipped and peeling paint. The appliances are probably older than my parents, and all the cupboards reek and have water damage and are warped. BUT, for the first time in longer than ...

So now that the figurative cat is out of the bag, I guess that I have learned more things than I imagined I would have. You envision the way that things should go in your mind, you think of all the ways that things "could" go, and you get advice and input from everyone but the FedEx guy, although even he may have some words of advice for you. The world that I knew was destroyed.. as simply as I can put it, yet as blunt as it needs to be to make the proper impact. It was gone. For months I danced around the ideas, manners and feelings of everyone else. I was given Bible verses, I was told how unhealthy I looked and everyone seemed to know the way to "fix me." What you discover is that you aren't broken, and it isn't that you aren't enough, the situation you are in is simply toxic.  When I decided to date my husband, it was right off the heels of my only other boyfriend, and he had just left his last girlfriend. I was just consumed by the idea of provi...

So, since the end of last year, all of my amazing health crap has been beyond out of whack... and I'm about as a-typical as they come... so here's a review: Hyperthyroidism -   is a condition in which the thyroid gland is overactive and makes excessive amounts of thyroid hormone. The thyroid gland is an organ located in the front of your neck and releases hormones that control your metabolism (the way your body uses energy), breathing, heart rate, nervous system, weight, body temperature, and many other functions in the body. When the thyroid gland is overactive ( hyper thyroidism) the body’s processes speed up and you may experience nervousness, anxiety, rapid heartbeat, hand tremor, excessive sweating, weight loss, and sleep problems, among other symptoms.  My hyperthyroid was actually caused by Graves Disease , which sounded like something MUCH worse than it turned out to be.  Graves' disease is an immune system disorder that results in the overproduction of ...

It's been almost EIGHT MONTHS since I've really done an update on Mr. Thing. After surgery for a Posterior Laryngeal Cleft, a slight one. He seems to be eating much better. Now that the summer months are here he is back to not eating a ton, so Pediasure is a once a day thing again, but that was expected. I have very happily, not had to make any more phone calls for therapies!! He is growing like a bad weed, and has to be near three feet tall, going on six! Also part trapeze artist and has zero fear and NO off switch. With everything going on, he doesn't seem very bothered. He loves spending time with his grandparents and cousins. The sitter makes off handed comments to me occasionally that rub me the wrong way, and I just tell myself that small minded people have small thoughts and smile and nod.  We have entered the "potty training" stage... Lord help us all!! He knows how to use the potty. He just decides when he would like to actually use that skill. As o...

After the initial shock of admitting out loud that I was done. It took some time for it to set in elsewhere. Since everything started around the holidays, it was like an added layer of unknown. This person, whom I had been with for eight years, I didn't even know them, I hardly knew myself anymore. Over the months I had become such a shell of who I used to be, I heard doctors warn me that they were concerned, suggest that I seek out help for eating disorders, or remove my self from what they suspected was a very unhealthy environment. I went through a myriad of migraine medications, with nothing seeming to ease the nonstop pain going through my head. All of my stomach problems that had resulted in surgery years prior seemed to be resurfacing, and my 5'8" figure had wilted from a somewhat sturdy 170 pounds and size 10-12 womens pants, to 111 and barely a size 4.  Having gone through post pardum depression, and my knowledge in the medical field, I knew the signs. I knew th...