The Path Less Travelled
Therapy was scheduled, and the date loomed closer.
Everything else seemed to stay as status quo as it had been. Caden and I seemed to have our own life separate of that from daddy. It is easy to look at this life and know that something is off, it is harder to see when and how such a shift started to occur. Perhaps that is part of the issue. Someone is always looking for one event, or one blame- it is just what society has engrained in us- there is always a right and wrong. If something isn't working, then there must have been someONE that isn't holding up their end. It was/is both. It has become easier to continue living in this fashion than to face the problems in our life. I long for family time, affection, the spark that was once there and a comfort knowing that I am not facing these fears of doctors and tests alone.
I feel like a roommate, as if I am here solely for a sounding board regarding work issues or venting purposes, and it is a one way street. When it comes to certain aspects, I am "expected" to have certain duties- but the expectation ends there. It is a draining lifestyle to keep up. Understanding the other side is part of the battle, knowing the stress, the hours and the toll that the job takes on my husband- and how to balance his needs versus my own. It has just been easier for me to pull back into my own corner and hold in my own concerns because I can see that his own plate is full and my additions go without notice or with discontent. For a person who likes to be social, outgoing and family oriented- this is not a position I enjoy being in- but I have been so accustomed to it that my personality has been split.
My migraines have been back in full swing- stress most likely being a big contributor. My family doctor tried to put me on a medicine that would regulate my heart rate since I was getting dizzy spells when it would drop down and it ended up making it very low all the time (normal is about 60-100, mine was around 40). I got a trip into the ER where I got a kitchen sink of drugs thrown at me to get my migraine under control and then decided to follow up with my cardiologist again (who was zero help and reminded me how much I didn't like him to begin with), and a neurologist who gave me a list of supplements to try, increased my med that made me drop weight and suggested I find a group/doctor/therapy that does stress relief or visualization to help with stress. I also went back to acupuncture which seems to be helping and have resumed my every 6 week massage therapy/venting/chat session with the most amazing therapist ever. Through all of this I haven't had much help at home- sarcasm seems to be the most prevalent. "Everyone has stress, what do you expect?" or calling my various attempts at finding an answer "stupid" or simply not listening.
There has been an exceptional amount of work stress as well- starting at the beginning of the year with my first "busy season" there, it was a ticking time bomb with one of the partners and I was unfortunately the tipping point. Sadly the target has never left my back and the stress has never fully left. This transitions to home life just in the way of support, or lack thereof. While I can be understanding and listening for everything regarding every aspect of my husband, it is one sided. If I have a problem- the response is "well you always have a problem at work." It is exhausting to be defeated everywhere you go. Recently another co-worker has had home-life stress and seems to think that we are now "besties" and that I should be her go-to for all things marital related. This has made partner with a giant target on my back even more infuriated with me, because this woman is wanting to chit-chat with me and not him. Say it with me class "GROW THE F*** UP!" I have tried everything I can to hint to this woman that I am not her best friend and that she needs to deal with her problems on her own, but she doesn't take hints very well, and is a bit thick headed, so the tension in my shoulders just keeps increasing...
SO... factor all that in and you have the impending speech therapy for my little munchkin...
I had the sitter come with me, since she sees Caden everyday I figured it made sense. I knew they would ask twenty nine hundred sixty eight point three questions about what he eats each day (I wish I was exaggerating there), and she is the one feeding him 5/7 days so it just makes sense. We went, he tried to eat, he fought eating and then we talked....
When Caden eats- he is simply holding food in his mouth and passing it from one side to the other, not really swallowing. When you joke about kids being chipmunks- he really is acting like a chipmunk! When he does this, food is unintentionally going down into his windpipe when he doesn't mean for it to, and causing him to choke. This is why dry food is the worst for him, the same with food that breaks into a lot of pieces- like the chips that we were told he couldn't have at the last study in February. Another thing that they showed us is the aversion to foods that he is developing.
He has started to teach himself to not want to eat. Basically- he eats, he chokes, it sucks, so he says "well that was bad, I don't want that to happen again" so he doesn't want to eat- repeat that pattern a bunch of times, and you have my child that now doesn't want to eat! What we thought were just normal patterns of no liking peanut butter or NutriGrain bars- no, they are aversions to them. When the therapist sat and worked with him and tried to get him to play with the food, or gave him a bowl to put the food he was "all done" with rather than just throw it on the floor or take it away from him- he would actually try it later or would put his fork in the peanut butter instead of just push it away! I was just dismissing it as something he didn't like. Something that seemed simple really followed the pattern that they laid out, and I could watch it as they walked me through it in his actions.
After going through all of this, he had his fill and went to play with the kitchen across the hall while we set up a new "Plan" for him.
Pediasure diet, only soft foods- cheeses, grahams only if they are soaked in thickened milk, puddings or thick yogurts, we changed his thickener to a gel so it stays more consistent, pastas in creamy sauces, only foods that stay together
Instead of waiting until November for a swallow study, repeat ASAP, follow up with the ENT (Ear, Nose Throat doctor) to get a scope done to look at his anatomy- specifically to look for the presence of a Posterior Laryngeal Cleft, and look into a GI (Gastroenterologist- stomach doctor) to manage his acid reflux to see if his reflux is under control and possibly causing the problems.
Insert an even more worried mommy and a ticked off Caden that when he got home all his crackers had disappeared....
Everything else seemed to stay as status quo as it had been. Caden and I seemed to have our own life separate of that from daddy. It is easy to look at this life and know that something is off, it is harder to see when and how such a shift started to occur. Perhaps that is part of the issue. Someone is always looking for one event, or one blame- it is just what society has engrained in us- there is always a right and wrong. If something isn't working, then there must have been someONE that isn't holding up their end. It was/is both. It has become easier to continue living in this fashion than to face the problems in our life. I long for family time, affection, the spark that was once there and a comfort knowing that I am not facing these fears of doctors and tests alone.
I feel like a roommate, as if I am here solely for a sounding board regarding work issues or venting purposes, and it is a one way street. When it comes to certain aspects, I am "expected" to have certain duties- but the expectation ends there. It is a draining lifestyle to keep up. Understanding the other side is part of the battle, knowing the stress, the hours and the toll that the job takes on my husband- and how to balance his needs versus my own. It has just been easier for me to pull back into my own corner and hold in my own concerns because I can see that his own plate is full and my additions go without notice or with discontent. For a person who likes to be social, outgoing and family oriented- this is not a position I enjoy being in- but I have been so accustomed to it that my personality has been split.
My migraines have been back in full swing- stress most likely being a big contributor. My family doctor tried to put me on a medicine that would regulate my heart rate since I was getting dizzy spells when it would drop down and it ended up making it very low all the time (normal is about 60-100, mine was around 40). I got a trip into the ER where I got a kitchen sink of drugs thrown at me to get my migraine under control and then decided to follow up with my cardiologist again (who was zero help and reminded me how much I didn't like him to begin with), and a neurologist who gave me a list of supplements to try, increased my med that made me drop weight and suggested I find a group/doctor/therapy that does stress relief or visualization to help with stress. I also went back to acupuncture which seems to be helping and have resumed my every 6 week massage therapy/venting/chat session with the most amazing therapist ever. Through all of this I haven't had much help at home- sarcasm seems to be the most prevalent. "Everyone has stress, what do you expect?" or calling my various attempts at finding an answer "stupid" or simply not listening.
There has been an exceptional amount of work stress as well- starting at the beginning of the year with my first "busy season" there, it was a ticking time bomb with one of the partners and I was unfortunately the tipping point. Sadly the target has never left my back and the stress has never fully left. This transitions to home life just in the way of support, or lack thereof. While I can be understanding and listening for everything regarding every aspect of my husband, it is one sided. If I have a problem- the response is "well you always have a problem at work." It is exhausting to be defeated everywhere you go. Recently another co-worker has had home-life stress and seems to think that we are now "besties" and that I should be her go-to for all things marital related. This has made partner with a giant target on my back even more infuriated with me, because this woman is wanting to chit-chat with me and not him. Say it with me class "GROW THE F*** UP!" I have tried everything I can to hint to this woman that I am not her best friend and that she needs to deal with her problems on her own, but she doesn't take hints very well, and is a bit thick headed, so the tension in my shoulders just keeps increasing...
SO... factor all that in and you have the impending speech therapy for my little munchkin...
I had the sitter come with me, since she sees Caden everyday I figured it made sense. I knew they would ask twenty nine hundred sixty eight point three questions about what he eats each day (I wish I was exaggerating there), and she is the one feeding him 5/7 days so it just makes sense. We went, he tried to eat, he fought eating and then we talked....
When Caden eats- he is simply holding food in his mouth and passing it from one side to the other, not really swallowing. When you joke about kids being chipmunks- he really is acting like a chipmunk! When he does this, food is unintentionally going down into his windpipe when he doesn't mean for it to, and causing him to choke. This is why dry food is the worst for him, the same with food that breaks into a lot of pieces- like the chips that we were told he couldn't have at the last study in February. Another thing that they showed us is the aversion to foods that he is developing.
He has started to teach himself to not want to eat. Basically- he eats, he chokes, it sucks, so he says "well that was bad, I don't want that to happen again" so he doesn't want to eat- repeat that pattern a bunch of times, and you have my child that now doesn't want to eat! What we thought were just normal patterns of no liking peanut butter or NutriGrain bars- no, they are aversions to them. When the therapist sat and worked with him and tried to get him to play with the food, or gave him a bowl to put the food he was "all done" with rather than just throw it on the floor or take it away from him- he would actually try it later or would put his fork in the peanut butter instead of just push it away! I was just dismissing it as something he didn't like. Something that seemed simple really followed the pattern that they laid out, and I could watch it as they walked me through it in his actions.
After going through all of this, he had his fill and went to play with the kitchen across the hall while we set up a new "Plan" for him.
Pediasure diet, only soft foods- cheeses, grahams only if they are soaked in thickened milk, puddings or thick yogurts, we changed his thickener to a gel so it stays more consistent, pastas in creamy sauces, only foods that stay together
Instead of waiting until November for a swallow study, repeat ASAP, follow up with the ENT (Ear, Nose Throat doctor) to get a scope done to look at his anatomy- specifically to look for the presence of a Posterior Laryngeal Cleft, and look into a GI (Gastroenterologist- stomach doctor) to manage his acid reflux to see if his reflux is under control and possibly causing the problems.
Insert an even more worried mommy and a ticked off Caden that when he got home all his crackers had disappeared....
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