What you want and what you get

What I wanted...

And what I got

Now I know I will get countless "compliments" on how cute/nice/pretty/etc. my haircut is... bottom line- what I wanted is no where near what I got. Too short, too dark and in a world where something as simple as a haircut is like a vacation- my plane was canceled and there were roaches in the hotel.

I decided (and promptly reported to FB) that this was how the universe informed me that I am not emotionally ready enough for change and that this is my payback for being passive aggressive. Seeking the agreement and Instead of vocalizing at the beginning, middle or end of my "trim" that I saw something amiss- I simple forked over the balance due plus tip and went on my merry way. I'll schedule another appointment when desperation strikes again. This little character flaw has been my kryptonite for far too long and due to the sheer definition of it... it will continue to eat away at my innards.

This is why my husband and I make such a good match- he is (usually) outspoken in such situations and thrives on being able to speak his mind. I am often reminded by him that I need to speak up more- sadly the only times I attempt this feat is when I am making a case against HIM, which is not the appropriate time for those taking notes. I was told by the only other real "boyfriend" I had that I lacked a backbone as well, and I am well aware, but it's not exactly something you can pick up at your local Target or Framer's market! I sit back and analyze- I am not a spur of the moment type of person, I plan, I make plans for the plans, and then I have color coded post-its for when all else fails- speaking my mind at every whim does no lend itself to such things!

I have come to see that this is also apparent in my work... the big bad sentence you never want to mutter within 100 feet of your employer is about to be unleashed so take head and don't follow my lead: I am unhappy in my job. Now could this very easily be fixed? Of course, I could (and even considered) write a report on the simple ways it could be improved, not just for me but those around me as well- but that lack of a backbone rears its ugly head and I am stuck with the option of the unknown or the dreary security- so out come the galoshes and umbrella!

You can search for a new job- well that in and of itself IS  full time job- your classic Catch 22. But then you face yourself with the questions of what is it that you WANT and WHAT is making you unhappy- is it the pay, the hours the locale- there is no simple answer, and no matter what you do you will never have any concrete answers prior to putting in that last notice before freedom. I have a friend that recently quit her traditional daytime job to do Mary Kay full time- it suits her- she has the skills and the passion. So much that I think I am probably one click away from a daily encouragement to sign up to sell as well. I don't have that sort of dedication to make-up.. at all. I don't really wear it, I am not someone to approach people, I hate marketing I hate making phone calls to people I don't know and I talk too fast when I present things- so MK may work for her, but I know that it would lead me to the same place I am now. I also do not have the ability to be stern with people when they do not pay or when I am unhappy with them- so that isn't an answer.

Another friend is constantly saying to start my own business venture- her husband opened his own insurance agency and is now getting to a comfortable point... I could list the ten million flaws there as well: first and foremost being that I do not have the support he did. He had a wife that backed him no matter what (I like to think that I myself personify her traits in the same ways), I have no wife.... or the wife equivalent of that. Am I regretful of that- on days, yes- do I know that I said yes and agreed for better and worse, well yes but at the end of the day I know that without taht level of support and trust- I couldn't do something like that.

So I am back to the same conundrum- how do I find something to make me happy? Maybe the answer isn't a job, maybe it is a hobby or more time with family- I don't have the answers, just endless questions...