Mommy Day 2014
At the risk of sounding like a complete ass, I will demonstrate this day with two perspectives (this also shows that I DO in fact know how the others involved see the events- I just don't get how these events were allowed to go on...)
I don't really recall Mother's Day 2013. I am sure I could go back and read about it, I do recall getting flowers (EXACT same ones as the in-law << Big NO-NO), but I know the day wasn't anything special- enough that the husband even noted this year that he knew he had been slacking. (Expectant) Mother's Day 2012- I had date day with my dad and Uncle T sent me flowers from his stint in the Marines. The response from the husband, "well you aren't a mom yet so why would I do anything for Mother's Day?" So we can all see that this day had a reputation already, and it wasn't the Hallmark commercial one...
7:00am- ZZZZZZ "ATTENTION FIRE DEPARTMENT!!!!!" yes that was my wake-up call. Out the door the husband goes. The pagers alerts the clothes fly on and the truck flies out of the driveway. I am left in a semi-conscious state with a sleeping child, a sink of dishes and a migraine in the third trimester debating making its way down the birth canal of my neck.
-Husband- OOh a call! Lights, truck, save someone, I have a duty, it's my job, no one else will be around, and I know that I have not bought my wife anything so I will go after the call and get something for her and bring it home and she will be so happy that she will jump with joy- make my mom dinner and give me a happy ending tonight!
8:00am- Still lying in bed- I can see that the child is starting to stir, though he hasn't ventured from his bed, yet. I know my warm haven is going to be a distant memory soon. I am hoping that the husband makes it home before the small monster starts rigging an escape route.
8:45am- The Tonka trucks have waged a war against the door! I crawl of of my chambers, throw a hair tie in my rats nest of hair and climb the mountain of stairs to release the Kraken. As I open the door the stench of a child restrained and kept for too long about knocks me dead! As if to tell me " Happy Mother's Day, aren't you glad I am here!?"- I glance around to see that the smell is nothing short of telling of what is encapsulated in the room. The special diapers (which I also buy one size larger) were no match for whatever he has been saving up for which has to be from my first trimester with him and it is everywhere... sheets, the rug, the Tonka truck, pillows, him.... there would have been no Trojan horse attack here- they would have smelled him from miles away.
As if my state of mind isn't already that of the red-headed Wendy's girl (seriously- what DRUG is that woman on, and where did Dave's real daughter go?, and why isn't some crazy feminist group all over that issue?), I have to literally chase my poop-leaking banshee through the house while tripping on the small dog that seems to think he is spewing treats for her! If all the events leading up to this moment weren't enough to churn my stomach, THAT was about enough to push me over the cliff. Like a little Easter toy that plops out jelly beans, by son joyfully squelched around the house thinking I was playing a game with my bra straps tucked full of wipes, one hand grasping the duct-taped open can of Febreeze-bomb and the other flailing a diaper- I don't know WHY he thought this was a game, my face was OBVIOUSLY incredibly serious.
After wrestling him down, giving him a stern talking to, battling him once again as he tried to jump on the bed, the rug, the pillows and the dogs/toys and stuffed animals while I gathered them to wash them I felt much like someone who has just completed a triathlon on 5 hours of sleep after chasing an eighteen month old the day before. Take all the laundry down stairs, start said laundry, fold the laundry in the dryer, go upstairs, make breakfast for the little devils minion, watch him devour two eggs, toast, fresh fruit, applesauce and milk, then feed the dog and start doing the dishes. All while simultaneously picking up any proof that we HAVE said devil's minion because at any moment a child inspector may walk into our house and cite us for have child paraphernalia and give us some sort of fine- and you have my morning.
I am not sure who is in charge of such citations, but I am just sure such people exist- just like those damn people that would watch me and report back to Santa as a child. These people are much worse, and let me tell you my husband swears by them. Not a single toy or proof of child life is permitted to be left out overnight or I am just sure that we will turn into locusts or three legged elephants, because really those two things would probably the two most inconvenient things to be turned into, right?
Husband- Cool, I'm saving someone. Wow, it is SO nice out today! I should go get my haircut.
10:30am- Husband is still not home, I have not heard from him, I am irritated. I have texted my mother to say Happy Mother's Day and called his mother to tell her Happy Mother's Day and informed her of my morning. At this point I discover that hubby-dearest has also wished her a happy Mother's day and has invited her and his brother and her live-in friend/not-boyfriend but was a previous boyfriend now she is disgusted by him- over for a BBQ, THANK-YOU for that warning!! Anyone that has read up on past battles is aware that timing and warnings are essential in this little relationship I have with my dearest husband, particularly when it comes to his convenience, he needs a heads-up, a sticky note, text and week/month warning of plans. This was sprung on me, but when it involves his family, he seems to bend the rules. After my morning, I don't think I need to insert any emoticons to express the anguish or color of my face for the remaining portion of the conversation with the in-law who just continued to dig herself and her son into a hole. "Yes, I guess we will see you later, I need to go get my child out of the dog water now, good-bye."
Husband- I got a haircut, I picked up flowers for the wife and my mom and they are the same so no one can say I favor them more, I visited my mom and we can have a nice BBQ with everyone! I'll take the wife to get flowers since we haven't done anything with the flower beds yet and it is such a nice day, I'm sure she would love to go and get flowers today, there are a lot of sales out this weekend, I saw the ad while I was at my moms house when I dropped her flowers off and mulch was a really good price, we can just have a nice family outing and then plant flowers and cook out! It will be perfect! <insert Mayberry music>
11:00am- LOOK, IT'S DADDY! Finally, he came home! I am in the middle of doing dishes (for those of you doing the time count on how long ago I started, don't judge), he comes home and is a bit nasty about why on EARTH I could be so snippy with him. He and the little man disappear downstairs and re-appear with flowers for me and tell me that the second part of my Mother's Day is that Caden wanted to get me flowers for my flower garden. So I tell Caden thank-you and give him a hug. Daddy then asks how much longer I will be finishing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. <NO JOKE> you can't make this stuff up. A wise woman told me that she would have thrown the dishes, I don't believe in such cruelty (80% of the dishes used are Disney characters and non-breakable), and if I'm going to have an all-out melt down, I really want it to be worth its salt and in the middle of a glass swan shop or something of the sort, but I can attest that the various things going through my mind would probably put me in the running for a head writers spot on Criminal Minds.
In my calmest Mary Poppins voice I replied that I was almost done, and I finished doing the dishes. Then I wrestled the banshee for round eighteen to get a fresh diaper, clean matching clothes and his shoes on his little kicking feet. It wasn't enough that my dear little son wanted to get me flowers, we wanted to get them for me TODAY, today as the temps neared eighty and not a cloud was in sight. So off we went to find a flower store. Not the flower stores I went to as a child, THOSE ones are just WAY too expensive (I always went to nurseries where that is what they did... flowers are their thing), we went to Lowes. The closest Lowes is 40 minutes away. Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, off we go. I was also informed of the fun little cookout he had invited his mother to while he was dropping flowers off to her, flowers he was picking up that morning because he just didn't have time to get- really not helping the a-poo-calypse I just dealt with.
Husband- MAN, am I getting some brownie points, a day trip with the family, picking out some flowers, making the flower bed look nice, she will be so happy. (my mind is beyond putting words into his head for the dishes scenario... I am sure the excuse was, well why would I do them, you already were, it is just a portion of the brain lacking- something that is never formed, or that simply dissipates in their teenage years when they lose their sweet innocence).
At this point time doesn't really matter-
Lowes Arrival- SURPRISE- Everyone and their mother (see that pun there) is at Lowes, and they are all in the outdoor department, and it is up to me to determine what we need. The aisles are tiny, I have a cart, a grabby child and an impatient husband who seems to think that I should have an idea of what I want in this flower bed after only being told about it an hour prior. After about twenty minutes of frustration we decide that they do not have a good selection and all we are getting here is mulch, so out to the truck we go with a hot child and a cranky husband. Pull the truck into the mulch loading station and my husband gets out to inform the loaders that they need to be more careful with how they are loading the mulch and that they could scratch his truck, inform them how much his truck costs and then speeds off out of the loading station while I try to sink as low as possible into my seat while demonstrating just how many shades of red a person can turn.
Husband- Stupid Lowes, Damn Loaders, I'll show them
Since we didn't find flowers at Lowes, Hubby decides to try Home Depot, which is only about 30 minutes from our house..... in the opposite direction as Lowes... Luckily Caden has fallen asleep at this point and we continue our journey as I sit in silence growing a little more aggravated by the second that this day is just about the opposite of what I could have wanted, and knowing that when I get home it is going to involve tilling a flower bed planting flowers while watching a child and then cooking out for my in-laws and cleaning everything up and going to work the next day- not exactly relaxing. Not to mention... BEEEEEEEEEPPPP... there it is! The constant reminder of what I agreed to for the rest of my life.
The pager alerts for a fire call, and my husband calls enroute. Yes. Apparently we are making this a family affair! I am turning those shades of red again, but this time it is closer to the dishes shades and less the truck fiasco shades. We spend about 45 minutes dealing with some lovely citizen that doesn't understand the legalities of what you can and cannot burn on your property before we are again headed towards Home Depot.
Husband- Son goes on first call-check, Sheriffs Department gets to see my nice clean truck, check, still getting the wife her flowers, check, beautiful day, check- I .am.the.man.
Arrive at Home Depot and we finally pick flowers and some bulbs and get some of that stupid screen -looking stuff that goes under the flowers to deter weeds. At Lowes hubby dearest picked some up and I voiced my opinion that it was a pain and I wasn't a big fan of the stuff but in hos words "it seemed to work pretty well before"- so into the cart it went. So as the afternoon fades away and the in-laws are enroute to my house for a BBQ that I am in no way ready for, we head homeward.
After getting home and realizing that the wheelbarrow is with the in-laws, who have yet to arrive and we do not know when exactly they are to arrive- I get Caden changed and down for a much needed nap and start to pull the dead stuff out of the flower bed. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP. Off goes daddy.
I am left with a truck full of flowers and dirt and mulch, a sleeping child and in-laws pulling in who are dressed for a BBQ! The sarcasm at this point in time just can't even be described adequately. So I continue to dig up the flower beds while the mother-in-law makes remarks about "well I'm sure you are in a good mood"- Really?! What would make you say that Sherlock? Amid all of this, we lose power, so the day truly does just keep getting better. The call that my husband ran off for was to staff the station for the power being out. No one was dying, or yelling for help yet. No cats in trees, all old women were upright, Diabetics were appropriately sugared and I was home, entertaining, digging and trying to get a cook-out planned with a cranky child who was hungry and a decently dressed set of in-laws who had arrived expecting a meal that I was to make for them.
Hubby came home after an hour and a half, at which point I had the bed emptied, and several loads taken to the back yard. Mother-in-laws live-in got the tiller going and tilled the bed and then the fun started! Hubby assisted for a bit and then went inside to get ribs started and to feed Caden- who at this point hadn't eaten all day.
I was now left outside, on my own to plant the flower bed while everyone else sat inside to chit chat and discuss all things fire department and what not.
Husband: Man, I did good this year! Wife gets flowers, mom gets to see her grandson, I'm makings ribs! I better make sure I shower extra good tonight ;)
Man 'o the year comes out at one point to ask something and then asks what is wrong and I respond that I didn't plan on spending the day outside on my own while everyone else is inside. <ATTENTION HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, MALE SPECIES, heck even lesbians - THIS is a warning sign! If this was a rattlesnake situation the snake would be on a curled up position with its eyes locked on you sounding like a child that had discovered its hand with a velcro shake toy!> The response, in a tone I don't even think I need to accentuate- " If I knew I was going to get an attitude then I wouldn't have even bothered doing anything for you"!! If I have no other proof in my life- This moment is proof that I have the restraint of a saint, nothing was broken, thrown or said. I swallowed the blood that was seeping from my tongue sniffled the tears and continued to dig that stupid flower bed so I could get inside to finish making dinner for "my" guests.
Husband: See if I ever do something nice again!
About 8:30 flower bed is done, I shower (yes, with guests in the house), get sides made, get Caden ready for bed and off to bed and get the table set for dinner. I eat and then let my husband and in-laws clean up and do the dishes. The mother-in-law knew that I was pretty fit to be tied and did the dishes knowing that if they weren't done that they would only be waiting for me the next night as I returned home from work with a squirming toddler in tow to a husband-less house for a Fire Department meeting night.
I don't really recall Mother's Day 2013. I am sure I could go back and read about it, I do recall getting flowers (EXACT same ones as the in-law << Big NO-NO), but I know the day wasn't anything special- enough that the husband even noted this year that he knew he had been slacking. (Expectant) Mother's Day 2012- I had date day with my dad and Uncle T sent me flowers from his stint in the Marines. The response from the husband, "well you aren't a mom yet so why would I do anything for Mother's Day?" So we can all see that this day had a reputation already, and it wasn't the Hallmark commercial one...
7:00am- ZZZZZZ "ATTENTION FIRE DEPARTMENT!!!!!" yes that was my wake-up call. Out the door the husband goes. The pagers alerts the clothes fly on and the truck flies out of the driveway. I am left in a semi-conscious state with a sleeping child, a sink of dishes and a migraine in the third trimester debating making its way down the birth canal of my neck.
-Husband- OOh a call! Lights, truck, save someone, I have a duty, it's my job, no one else will be around, and I know that I have not bought my wife anything so I will go after the call and get something for her and bring it home and she will be so happy that she will jump with joy- make my mom dinner and give me a happy ending tonight!
8:00am- Still lying in bed- I can see that the child is starting to stir, though he hasn't ventured from his bed, yet. I know my warm haven is going to be a distant memory soon. I am hoping that the husband makes it home before the small monster starts rigging an escape route.
8:45am- The Tonka trucks have waged a war against the door! I crawl of of my chambers, throw a hair tie in my rats nest of hair and climb the mountain of stairs to release the Kraken. As I open the door the stench of a child restrained and kept for too long about knocks me dead! As if to tell me " Happy Mother's Day, aren't you glad I am here!?"- I glance around to see that the smell is nothing short of telling of what is encapsulated in the room. The special diapers (which I also buy one size larger) were no match for whatever he has been saving up for which has to be from my first trimester with him and it is everywhere... sheets, the rug, the Tonka truck, pillows, him.... there would have been no Trojan horse attack here- they would have smelled him from miles away.
As if my state of mind isn't already that of the red-headed Wendy's girl (seriously- what DRUG is that woman on, and where did Dave's real daughter go?, and why isn't some crazy feminist group all over that issue?), I have to literally chase my poop-leaking banshee through the house while tripping on the small dog that seems to think he is spewing treats for her! If all the events leading up to this moment weren't enough to churn my stomach, THAT was about enough to push me over the cliff. Like a little Easter toy that plops out jelly beans, by son joyfully squelched around the house thinking I was playing a game with my bra straps tucked full of wipes, one hand grasping the duct-taped open can of Febreeze-bomb and the other flailing a diaper- I don't know WHY he thought this was a game, my face was OBVIOUSLY incredibly serious.
After wrestling him down, giving him a stern talking to, battling him once again as he tried to jump on the bed, the rug, the pillows and the dogs/toys and stuffed animals while I gathered them to wash them I felt much like someone who has just completed a triathlon on 5 hours of sleep after chasing an eighteen month old the day before. Take all the laundry down stairs, start said laundry, fold the laundry in the dryer, go upstairs, make breakfast for the little devils minion, watch him devour two eggs, toast, fresh fruit, applesauce and milk, then feed the dog and start doing the dishes. All while simultaneously picking up any proof that we HAVE said devil's minion because at any moment a child inspector may walk into our house and cite us for have child paraphernalia and give us some sort of fine- and you have my morning.
I am not sure who is in charge of such citations, but I am just sure such people exist- just like those damn people that would watch me and report back to Santa as a child. These people are much worse, and let me tell you my husband swears by them. Not a single toy or proof of child life is permitted to be left out overnight or I am just sure that we will turn into locusts or three legged elephants, because really those two things would probably the two most inconvenient things to be turned into, right?
Husband- Cool, I'm saving someone. Wow, it is SO nice out today! I should go get my haircut.
10:30am- Husband is still not home, I have not heard from him, I am irritated. I have texted my mother to say Happy Mother's Day and called his mother to tell her Happy Mother's Day and informed her of my morning. At this point I discover that hubby-dearest has also wished her a happy Mother's day and has invited her and his brother and her live-in friend/not-boyfriend but was a previous boyfriend now she is disgusted by him- over for a BBQ, THANK-YOU for that warning!! Anyone that has read up on past battles is aware that timing and warnings are essential in this little relationship I have with my dearest husband, particularly when it comes to his convenience, he needs a heads-up, a sticky note, text and week/month warning of plans. This was sprung on me, but when it involves his family, he seems to bend the rules. After my morning, I don't think I need to insert any emoticons to express the anguish or color of my face for the remaining portion of the conversation with the in-law who just continued to dig herself and her son into a hole. "Yes, I guess we will see you later, I need to go get my child out of the dog water now, good-bye."
Husband- I got a haircut, I picked up flowers for the wife and my mom and they are the same so no one can say I favor them more, I visited my mom and we can have a nice BBQ with everyone! I'll take the wife to get flowers since we haven't done anything with the flower beds yet and it is such a nice day, I'm sure she would love to go and get flowers today, there are a lot of sales out this weekend, I saw the ad while I was at my moms house when I dropped her flowers off and mulch was a really good price, we can just have a nice family outing and then plant flowers and cook out! It will be perfect! <insert Mayberry music>
11:00am- LOOK, IT'S DADDY! Finally, he came home! I am in the middle of doing dishes (for those of you doing the time count on how long ago I started, don't judge), he comes home and is a bit nasty about why on EARTH I could be so snippy with him. He and the little man disappear downstairs and re-appear with flowers for me and tell me that the second part of my Mother's Day is that Caden wanted to get me flowers for my flower garden. So I tell Caden thank-you and give him a hug. Daddy then asks how much longer I will be finishing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. <NO JOKE> you can't make this stuff up. A wise woman told me that she would have thrown the dishes, I don't believe in such cruelty (80% of the dishes used are Disney characters and non-breakable), and if I'm going to have an all-out melt down, I really want it to be worth its salt and in the middle of a glass swan shop or something of the sort, but I can attest that the various things going through my mind would probably put me in the running for a head writers spot on Criminal Minds.
In my calmest Mary Poppins voice I replied that I was almost done, and I finished doing the dishes. Then I wrestled the banshee for round eighteen to get a fresh diaper, clean matching clothes and his shoes on his little kicking feet. It wasn't enough that my dear little son wanted to get me flowers, we wanted to get them for me TODAY, today as the temps neared eighty and not a cloud was in sight. So off we went to find a flower store. Not the flower stores I went to as a child, THOSE ones are just WAY too expensive (I always went to nurseries where that is what they did... flowers are their thing), we went to Lowes. The closest Lowes is 40 minutes away. Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, off we go. I was also informed of the fun little cookout he had invited his mother to while he was dropping flowers off to her, flowers he was picking up that morning because he just didn't have time to get- really not helping the a-poo-calypse I just dealt with.
Husband- MAN, am I getting some brownie points, a day trip with the family, picking out some flowers, making the flower bed look nice, she will be so happy. (my mind is beyond putting words into his head for the dishes scenario... I am sure the excuse was, well why would I do them, you already were, it is just a portion of the brain lacking- something that is never formed, or that simply dissipates in their teenage years when they lose their sweet innocence).
At this point time doesn't really matter-
Lowes Arrival- SURPRISE- Everyone and their mother (see that pun there) is at Lowes, and they are all in the outdoor department, and it is up to me to determine what we need. The aisles are tiny, I have a cart, a grabby child and an impatient husband who seems to think that I should have an idea of what I want in this flower bed after only being told about it an hour prior. After about twenty minutes of frustration we decide that they do not have a good selection and all we are getting here is mulch, so out to the truck we go with a hot child and a cranky husband. Pull the truck into the mulch loading station and my husband gets out to inform the loaders that they need to be more careful with how they are loading the mulch and that they could scratch his truck, inform them how much his truck costs and then speeds off out of the loading station while I try to sink as low as possible into my seat while demonstrating just how many shades of red a person can turn.
Husband- Stupid Lowes, Damn Loaders, I'll show them
Since we didn't find flowers at Lowes, Hubby decides to try Home Depot, which is only about 30 minutes from our house..... in the opposite direction as Lowes... Luckily Caden has fallen asleep at this point and we continue our journey as I sit in silence growing a little more aggravated by the second that this day is just about the opposite of what I could have wanted, and knowing that when I get home it is going to involve tilling a flower bed planting flowers while watching a child and then cooking out for my in-laws and cleaning everything up and going to work the next day- not exactly relaxing. Not to mention... BEEEEEEEEEPPPP... there it is! The constant reminder of what I agreed to for the rest of my life.
The pager alerts for a fire call, and my husband calls enroute. Yes. Apparently we are making this a family affair! I am turning those shades of red again, but this time it is closer to the dishes shades and less the truck fiasco shades. We spend about 45 minutes dealing with some lovely citizen that doesn't understand the legalities of what you can and cannot burn on your property before we are again headed towards Home Depot.
Husband- Son goes on first call-check, Sheriffs Department gets to see my nice clean truck, check, still getting the wife her flowers, check, beautiful day, check- I .am.the.man.
Arrive at Home Depot and we finally pick flowers and some bulbs and get some of that stupid screen -looking stuff that goes under the flowers to deter weeds. At Lowes hubby dearest picked some up and I voiced my opinion that it was a pain and I wasn't a big fan of the stuff but in hos words "it seemed to work pretty well before"- so into the cart it went. So as the afternoon fades away and the in-laws are enroute to my house for a BBQ that I am in no way ready for, we head homeward.
After getting home and realizing that the wheelbarrow is with the in-laws, who have yet to arrive and we do not know when exactly they are to arrive- I get Caden changed and down for a much needed nap and start to pull the dead stuff out of the flower bed. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP. Off goes daddy.
I am left with a truck full of flowers and dirt and mulch, a sleeping child and in-laws pulling in who are dressed for a BBQ! The sarcasm at this point in time just can't even be described adequately. So I continue to dig up the flower beds while the mother-in-law makes remarks about "well I'm sure you are in a good mood"- Really?! What would make you say that Sherlock? Amid all of this, we lose power, so the day truly does just keep getting better. The call that my husband ran off for was to staff the station for the power being out. No one was dying, or yelling for help yet. No cats in trees, all old women were upright, Diabetics were appropriately sugared and I was home, entertaining, digging and trying to get a cook-out planned with a cranky child who was hungry and a decently dressed set of in-laws who had arrived expecting a meal that I was to make for them.
Hubby came home after an hour and a half, at which point I had the bed emptied, and several loads taken to the back yard. Mother-in-laws live-in got the tiller going and tilled the bed and then the fun started! Hubby assisted for a bit and then went inside to get ribs started and to feed Caden- who at this point hadn't eaten all day.
I was now left outside, on my own to plant the flower bed while everyone else sat inside to chit chat and discuss all things fire department and what not.
Husband: Man, I did good this year! Wife gets flowers, mom gets to see her grandson, I'm makings ribs! I better make sure I shower extra good tonight ;)
Man 'o the year comes out at one point to ask something and then asks what is wrong and I respond that I didn't plan on spending the day outside on my own while everyone else is inside. <ATTENTION HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, MALE SPECIES, heck even lesbians - THIS is a warning sign! If this was a rattlesnake situation the snake would be on a curled up position with its eyes locked on you sounding like a child that had discovered its hand with a velcro shake toy!> The response, in a tone I don't even think I need to accentuate- " If I knew I was going to get an attitude then I wouldn't have even bothered doing anything for you"!! If I have no other proof in my life- This moment is proof that I have the restraint of a saint, nothing was broken, thrown or said. I swallowed the blood that was seeping from my tongue sniffled the tears and continued to dig that stupid flower bed so I could get inside to finish making dinner for "my" guests.
Husband: See if I ever do something nice again!
About 8:30 flower bed is done, I shower (yes, with guests in the house), get sides made, get Caden ready for bed and off to bed and get the table set for dinner. I eat and then let my husband and in-laws clean up and do the dishes. The mother-in-law knew that I was pretty fit to be tied and did the dishes knowing that if they weren't done that they would only be waiting for me the next night as I returned home from work with a squirming toddler in tow to a husband-less house for a Fire Department meeting night.
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