The new way of life
So now that the figurative cat is out of the bag, I guess that I have learned more things than I imagined I would have.
You envision the way that things should go in your mind, you think of all the ways that things "could" go, and you get advice and input from everyone but the FedEx guy, although even he may have some words of advice for you. The world that I knew was destroyed.. as simply as I can put it, yet as blunt as it needs to be to make the proper impact. It was gone. For months I danced around the ideas, manners and feelings of everyone else. I was given Bible verses, I was told how unhealthy I looked and everyone seemed to know the way to "fix me." What you discover is that you aren't broken, and it isn't that you aren't enough, the situation you are in is simply toxic.
When I decided to date my husband, it was right off the heels of my only other boyfriend, and he had just left his last girlfriend. I was just consumed by the idea of proving to everyone that I wouldn't be my parents. I was going to go to college, get married and then have children, I would do it right and break the streak. My pride was blinding, so much that I could see the signs and yet I still stayed, convincing myself that it was just me. I wasn't enough. Each day of the relationship I got this a little more engrained into my mind, and then as everything unraveled all these well meaning "friends" seemed to do the same thing.
The friends have trickled off, even ones that swore they would be there, ones that I cried with and said they would be a shoulder for me, they are gone. It is like mourning the death of not just a break up, the biggest and worst break up possible, except at the end, you don't have that crowd of friends holding your hand or bringing you the pints of ice cream. You are left battered, bruised crying and alone.
Since we are going the dissolution route, it means we agree on everything- I laugh out loud to myself when I say that. I am leaving with half of the "stuff"- and he is staying at the house, keeping the four wheelers, vacuum, bed, couch, dining room table, security system, all tools, grills, etc. All the "stuff" I bought or was given over the years was split, and what he contributed he is keeping. Yet I am willing to walk away and not force a judge to make him split was he has hoarded and saved over the years while I struggled and provided everything and every dollar I had- just to keep the peace .
I have cut everyone in that old world off. Some because of the hurtful things they have said or done, and others because I just can't handle having that part of my life around anymore, or at least not at this point in my life. So I live down South with my dad, waiting for the attorney to get something filed so that I can get an apartment and child support coming in. I drive 100 miles one way to work, and by the time I pick up the little guy and make my way home, it's 7pm. My life is my car anymore, with the background of Despicable Me on the DVD Player.
While my little room and mortgage payments worth gas expense are the big downfalls, I see some shimmers of light each day. While my old world has crashed, burned and been demolished beyond repair, there is a phoenix making its rebirth.
My family was my biggest obstacle, and while I was scared of being bombarded with opinions or Bible quotes, like so many of those other people that claimed to be "family" had done. My true family has been nothing but my support system. I have yet to speak to my maternal grandmother, I think I get hives at the thought of that conversation, but my ability to cope with others Inability to just deal with things that truly don't involve them is getting stringer each day.
Perhaps my biggest light here, would be my best friend. You find friends in the strangest of places, and often at the times that you need them most, and she could not have come at a better time for me. She is going through a messier version of what I am, and without her, I think I would have been lost. There have also been others that have been there, in some of my dark moments to help me, and give me some advice that I just needed to hear. My Aunt Dana told me that it will bring out the best and the worst in those around me. It is odd that when you think about divorce, you tend to get tunnel vision, YOU want to be apart from that person, but the collateral damage to the people surrounding the relationship is something that is just indescribable. Another friend has been found in my Jamberry consultant, she went through a child free not so nice divorce years go, and her outlook was that she had to leave her house, and her dog and her friends-- so she got a new house, a new boyfriend, a new dog and new friends. Sometimes you just have to learn to cut your losses, a simple concept that is very difficult to actually apply. My Marci has also been there for me in every capacity she can be. So many others have helped that I just wouldn't have expected, and these people are the ones that I know I can count on. If you've read any extent of this, you know that I am a sucker for quotes, and it really is true that your best friends are the ones that are standing next to you in the worst of times.
So, today, as I sat looking at my filled storage unit, and left the house I once inhabited, albeit in a lonely and unhappy state, part of me started to believe and feel better knowing that I am slowly the version of me that I always knew I could be. So, I walk a little straighter and find new reasons to smile, because I haven't had much to smile about before, why not try something new?
You envision the way that things should go in your mind, you think of all the ways that things "could" go, and you get advice and input from everyone but the FedEx guy, although even he may have some words of advice for you. The world that I knew was destroyed.. as simply as I can put it, yet as blunt as it needs to be to make the proper impact. It was gone. For months I danced around the ideas, manners and feelings of everyone else. I was given Bible verses, I was told how unhealthy I looked and everyone seemed to know the way to "fix me." What you discover is that you aren't broken, and it isn't that you aren't enough, the situation you are in is simply toxic.
When I decided to date my husband, it was right off the heels of my only other boyfriend, and he had just left his last girlfriend. I was just consumed by the idea of proving to everyone that I wouldn't be my parents. I was going to go to college, get married and then have children, I would do it right and break the streak. My pride was blinding, so much that I could see the signs and yet I still stayed, convincing myself that it was just me. I wasn't enough. Each day of the relationship I got this a little more engrained into my mind, and then as everything unraveled all these well meaning "friends" seemed to do the same thing.
The friends have trickled off, even ones that swore they would be there, ones that I cried with and said they would be a shoulder for me, they are gone. It is like mourning the death of not just a break up, the biggest and worst break up possible, except at the end, you don't have that crowd of friends holding your hand or bringing you the pints of ice cream. You are left battered, bruised crying and alone.
Since we are going the dissolution route, it means we agree on everything- I laugh out loud to myself when I say that. I am leaving with half of the "stuff"- and he is staying at the house, keeping the four wheelers, vacuum, bed, couch, dining room table, security system, all tools, grills, etc. All the "stuff" I bought or was given over the years was split, and what he contributed he is keeping. Yet I am willing to walk away and not force a judge to make him split was he has hoarded and saved over the years while I struggled and provided everything and every dollar I had- just to keep the peace .
I have cut everyone in that old world off. Some because of the hurtful things they have said or done, and others because I just can't handle having that part of my life around anymore, or at least not at this point in my life. So I live down South with my dad, waiting for the attorney to get something filed so that I can get an apartment and child support coming in. I drive 100 miles one way to work, and by the time I pick up the little guy and make my way home, it's 7pm. My life is my car anymore, with the background of Despicable Me on the DVD Player.
While my little room and mortgage payments worth gas expense are the big downfalls, I see some shimmers of light each day. While my old world has crashed, burned and been demolished beyond repair, there is a phoenix making its rebirth.
My family was my biggest obstacle, and while I was scared of being bombarded with opinions or Bible quotes, like so many of those other people that claimed to be "family" had done. My true family has been nothing but my support system. I have yet to speak to my maternal grandmother, I think I get hives at the thought of that conversation, but my ability to cope with others Inability to just deal with things that truly don't involve them is getting stringer each day.
Perhaps my biggest light here, would be my best friend. You find friends in the strangest of places, and often at the times that you need them most, and she could not have come at a better time for me. She is going through a messier version of what I am, and without her, I think I would have been lost. There have also been others that have been there, in some of my dark moments to help me, and give me some advice that I just needed to hear. My Aunt Dana told me that it will bring out the best and the worst in those around me. It is odd that when you think about divorce, you tend to get tunnel vision, YOU want to be apart from that person, but the collateral damage to the people surrounding the relationship is something that is just indescribable. Another friend has been found in my Jamberry consultant, she went through a child free not so nice divorce years go, and her outlook was that she had to leave her house, and her dog and her friends-- so she got a new house, a new boyfriend, a new dog and new friends. Sometimes you just have to learn to cut your losses, a simple concept that is very difficult to actually apply. My Marci has also been there for me in every capacity she can be. So many others have helped that I just wouldn't have expected, and these people are the ones that I know I can count on. If you've read any extent of this, you know that I am a sucker for quotes, and it really is true that your best friends are the ones that are standing next to you in the worst of times.
So, today, as I sat looking at my filled storage unit, and left the house I once inhabited, albeit in a lonely and unhappy state, part of me started to believe and feel better knowing that I am slowly the version of me that I always knew I could be. So, I walk a little straighter and find new reasons to smile, because I haven't had much to smile about before, why not try something new?
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